Drowning Sin
by Sheena Dunlop
Summary: I felt recognition stir somewhere deep within my chest. The bed sagged and I felt his fingers brush so softly against my forehead. What's going on? Im dreaming, right? I must be dreaming. I must be drunk. I must be high. My God..Im dead?
1. p r o l o g u e

_If my decomposing carcass helps nourish the roots of a juniper tree or the wings of a vulture - that is immortality enough for me. And as much as anyone deserves. _

**-Edward Abbey-**

I remember, a long time ago, my dad told me that I shouldn't fear death. He told me that every ending was another beginning. Death was just another beginning. He explained to me that the earth, all of it, was made of spirits. The water, the trees, even the wind…all lived, breathed, and loved. He told me that if I was a good girl, that if I respected the spirits, then I would become a spirit as well. This was before the move and the shortcut, before my mom and dad got turned into pigs.

Yeah, practice what you preach, dad.

It was back when I admired him, when I listened to every word he said because I just _knew _that he knew everything. So, I was a good girl. Whiny, pathetic, and naïve, but respectful to my elders and responsible in school. I used to fall asleep every night tossing ideas back and forth in my mind, so indecisive on what sort of spirit I wanted to be.

How weird of a kid are you when you _anticipate_ death?

I can't remember what I eventually decided. What I do remember is the day my grandfather died. Grandma had passed on when I was a baby, so he had come to live with us. I had come home after school, tossed my bag into the floor and clambered up the stairs, shouting his name. It was so important that he knew what I had finally decided.

I thrust open his door, not caring if he was sleeping or not. When I saw him lying on his bed, I rushed over to shake him awake. His eyes were open…wide open. The blue was icy and blank, as if all life had been sucked out of him by some soul-thirsty vampire. And I screamed. Oh, God, did I scream…

I didn't understand. Every fiber, every miniscule cell of my being, believed he was still there, lost inside that withered shell of a body. Locked underneath my father's trembling arms, I had shouted at the old man, screamed at his corpse. I screamed for him to get up until my throat was raw and my eyes red. I didn't understand. I've been to the spirit world and back since then. And, to be honest,

I still don't understand.

A week after the funeral, mom, dad and I all paid a visit to the nearby Kohaku River. Mom pulled me out of the car, insisting that a picnic would be fun. The sunny yellow blanket flapped in the wind as she laid it out, soon after tucking her legs under her to sit delicately on top of it. That was back when dad used to gaze at her when she wasn't looking. I remember his eyes watching her sundress flap around her legs, his giant hands pushing the hair from in front of her face with the delicacy as if he was molding a vase.

I shoved my food around my paper plate, eventually snapping the tip of my plastic fork. Ignoring the soft noise of my father's gentle cues, and my mother's stifled laugh, I stood up and walked down the grassy hill, towards the river.

"Don't wander far, Chihiro!"

The blue water gushed up across the silky grass, dampening the tips of my little pink shoes. I found a hill, like a miniscule cliff, that stretched out about four feet over the flow of the river. Stretching out on my stomach, I looked over the edge at the water, watching as it flipped around in the wind playfully. I imagined the river spirit and the wind spirit running together, never getting tired, never getting old…never dying.

I wanted to be the wind. I wanted to play, too.

I sat up, turning my bottom to face the edge of the hill, and began to inch my way over the top and down towards the rushing water. The tip of my shoe caught a crevice in the dirt wall. Feeling safe, I descended quicker.

At my third step I felt my shoe wiggle loose. I let go with one of my hands, bending down to try and shove it back on. In my efforts, it slipped off completely, leaving my socked foot feeling naked and bare to the mischievous wind.

I looked over my shoulder, watching the pink shoe dip beneath the rivers surface, floating away from my grasp. The river was teasing me. I smiled and without fear, with only naivety, I let go of the hill and tumbled into the water…

The Kohaku River swallowed me whole.

I spun, the river gripping my frail body beneath its fist. It slammed me against the muddy ground, rocks grinding against my bones. Nothing was playful anymore. I felt only danger, only violence. I wriggled my tiny arms against the current, fighting as I felt my lungs busting inside my chest. I opened my mouth to scream, but only inhaled the icy water.

My eyes went black, my body completely numb. I could hear it, the water sloshing inside my body, my heart gasping for air. I felt the tremors of my choking organs like the flutter of an eye-lash against the inside of my skin. The last bit of life clawed out of my body for the chance to breathe. And then, at the last crescendo of my drumming heart…

I drowned.

I swear I did.

I could feel the freedom of flying, like a cloud across a crystal blue sky. I felt the power of lightning surge through my body as I skimmed through the black storm clouds, leaving a trail of thunder in my wake. I felt the river slip its cold fingers against the palm of my hand, brushing its lips against my cheek, welcoming me to the beginning. Death was just a beginning.

And then, above all those things, I felt my grandfather as he wrapped his strong arms around me, pulling me against his chest, hugging me. His warmth dissolved through my skin, heating up my cold, lifeless body and melting the ice away from my choking heart.

Then it ended. In a single, shot of a moment, ice pierced through my chest, punching my lungs and squeezing my heart, my miraculously, beating-again, heart. And something warm slid beneath my twisting body, steadying my rush down the river. My fingers found their way around two handles, my face tickled by a beautiful, soft mane. But it was only a moment.

My head busted through the surface of the water, and the next thing I knew, my shivering body was lying, face down, in the warm grass, sunlight beating down on my chilled body.

Oh, how my heart drummed and my lungs stung as I inhaled the air greedily, breathing in the crisp scent of the grass.

When I stood up, I was missing a shoe, and my clothes were heavy with river water. Yet, as I stood on the edge of the Kohaku river, my parents were still too busy to notice their undead daughter kneel down and pick up the tiny pink shoe that had lazily floated back home, to shore.

I drowned.

I swear I did.

**. D r o w n i n g S i n .**


	2. o n e

**PART ONE**

* * *

**Oh, and while the king was looking down**

* * *

_Five Years and Two Months After the Bath House._

"You're nearly fourteen, so I'm gonna be honest. You ought to be able to understand now that sometimes things just don't work out. Like your father and I."

My mother's fingers tightened on the steering wheel, her knuckles whitening underneath the red glow of the stop light. Deep crevices lined her face, dark spots shadowing underneath her eyes. She looked around at me, leftover anger still hovering behind her frown. "But things will be fine, Chihiro." She pressed, looking back to the road and pressing her foot down on the gas as green light washed up the front of the car, "We're just going to stay at grandma and grandpa's for a while until I can find my own place back in the country."

So that was it in a nutshell, plain and simple. We weren't going back home.

"This is pretty exciting though." She continued, fighting passed a yawn, "Going back to where we used to live." Her face suddenly brightened and she tossed a hasty glance my way again, "Maybe you can see some of your old friends, go back to your old school for a semester? Would you like that?"

Well as long as we're being honest. "I'd like to see the river again."

The car bumped down the road, the engine whirling noisily and the radio faintly whispering music into our silence. I watched the wide, green highway signs flash by above our car, one by one, signifying a distance traveled further and further from home and my father.

"They built apartment buildings over that old river years before we even moved. We'd be having a picnic in a parking lot if we went." My mother finally replied, gently maneuvering the steering wheel to the right, rolling through our exit and towards the city. Seeming to rethink what she said, she added, "But I suppose we could always take a look to see if there's anything left."

A web of fog rolled up the window when I sighed and pressed my forehead against the chilly glass, "Yeah, that'd be nice."

* * *

**The jester stole his thorny crown.**

* * *

We pulled into a trim neighborhood with spotless streetlights, thick hedges, and bleach white sidewalks that I could've swore glowed in the dark. The cars that weren't parked inside the garages looked as if they'd never been driven anywhere except on top of polished pavement, and the houses themselves looked like the sort of thing you'd buy at the supermarket for Barbie.

My grandfather on my father's side had been a simple man. He worked his whole life not because he needed the money, but because he didn't know what else to do with himself besides decent, hard work. My mother's parents, on the other hand, retired when they were both around fifty, feeling no need to work anymore than they had to. They saved their money and bought the most decent house in the most upper class neighborhood they could afford. To be honest, my only still-living grandparents were yuppie idiots.

The car whined to a halt along the edge of a black driveway in front of a large, light blue house with a single, glowing window draped with yellow curtains. I pulled up the lock on my door and reached for the handle, eager to stretch my aching legs.

"Please don't go in empty handed, Chihiro. We have plenty to carry in, in the trunk, and you know your grandparents won't be able to help."

I hadn't been planning on it. I walked around the car, popping open the trunk and throwing a large duffel bag over my shoulder. I heard the front door of my grandparents' house swing open, and began to grab more so I wouldn't have to go on inside.

"Yuuko, you didn't call when you got off the exit like you said you would!"

"Where's Chihiro, Hun?"

I heard the sound of my mother walking around the car, her healed shoes clicking against the pavement as she called over her shoulder, "She's back here, grabbing some stuff." She appeared around the side of the car, her brown eyes flicking over to where I stood, instantly looking slightly alarmed, "Are you _trying _to break you back?"

"Would it keep me from staying here?" I grumbled quietly, handing my mother the lighter bags. She gave me a hardened look before slamming shut the trunk, and walking back around the car with me reluctantly following at her heels.

"Oh, _Chihiro_," My grandma was hobbling down the stairs before I could say 'life alert', her frail arms out-stretched and her tight face grappled back into a squinty-eyed smile, "look how big you are! Oh, but really, dear, you should do something different with your hair; you've been wearing it up like that since you were a toddler." Her boney hands latched over my arms, yanking me with unexpected strength against her torso.

She smelled like baby powder and her clothes were so stiff I felt my skin mold around them, rather than the vice versa. Her hair was white and whispy, drenched with the thick odor of cigar smoke, and the way her voice rasped as she ranted on about my meager appearance reminded me keenly of another older woman.

I found myself, as I was led inside and into the kitchen where dinner waited, thinking for the first time in years, about Yubaba.

* * *

**The courtroom was adjourned;**

* * *

There was more.

I just couldn't remember, for the life of me. There were souls with real names, real voices, real lives. There was smoke, or was it steam? There were lights that danced and blinked deep reds and purples, and a bridge. A wide, but short, wooden bridge connecting the smoky-or steamy-building with the rows and rows of counters with ghosts lingering behind them. There was a boat and gorgeous, green grass; there was an endless sea with a train plowing through it. But there were also _names _and _faces_ that I couldn't recall. There was a force hiding inside that mysterious building that also wound through the arteries in my heart.

But I couldn't remember. For the life of me I couldn't think of any name, besides one, and it came with no face or voice. It was just a name, somehow deeply vocalized into the pits of my brain.

But who on _earth _was Sen?

* * *

**No verdict was returned.**

* * *

**_A/N_**: i decided to go in a different direction with these few opening chapters in PART ONE, so yeah. This first chapter is completely different. Dont be lazy. REVIEW ME. critisisms [slaughtered the spelling of that] are alwaaaaaaaaays welcome.


	3. t w o

**PART ONE**

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

* * *

**Helter skelter in a summer swelter.  
**

* * *

"Do you ever consider wearing your hair _down_, sweetheart?"

I looked up, a tiny hair band clutched between my lips, my hand holding up my hair. Through the mirror's reflection I could see my grandmother gazing at my pony-tail with disdain, her thin lips turned down into a tight frown. I stared up at the ceiling, pretending to consider her, then shook me head with a slight smirk.

"But you would look more lady-like."

"It would get in the way." I mumbled, pulling my hair through the hair bow and using my fingers as a comb.

"In the way of _what_, dear? We're just having a picnic."

"Never mind, grandma; I'm wearing it up."

"Take the hair band out, Chihiro." My mother interrupted, walking into the room briskly, "A little change never hurt anybody."

"Change put my turtle into shock. It _died_, mom." I grumbled angrily, yanking the hair band out. Hair tumbled around my face, dropping down to my shoulder blades, knotted and floating with static. I ran my fingers back over it and felt a large bump in it from where it was always tied up. I couldn't help but flick it around some, mesmerized by how horrible it looked. Regardless, grandma seemed beyond satisfied, "Oh, Chihiro, you look _**so **_grown up! Like a mature, twelve year-old girl!"

"I'm fourteen." I snapped, pocketing the glimmering hair-bow.

"The boys won't be able to keep their eyes off of you, darling."

"The only boy there," I pointed out, "will be grandpa. So, I don't see why I need to-"

"Time to go!" Grandpa called out, his haggard voice shivering with uncalled for excitement.

My grandmother beamed, gingerly placing her giant purse across her shoulders and looking at my mom, "Let's not keep your father waiting, now."

Once my grandma left the room, mom turned around, a stern look on her face.

"Chihiro, could you _**please **_be respectful to your grandparents. I know they're a bit…"

"Eccentric…?" I offered.

"Yes, eccentric. But they _**are **_your grandparents, _**my **_parents. You need to give them just as much respect as you gave your father's father. What would your grandfather say if he knew you were acting this way?" Then, without waiting for an adequate answer, she turned and left me standing alone in the bedroom.

I looked into the mirror again, squinting at my frizzy reflection.

"He'd say the same thing he always did," I whispered, plucking my hair bow from my pocket and pulling my hair up once more, "Pay your respects to those who earned it, then bow with your fingers crossed to those who haven't."

* * *

**The birds flew off with a fallout shelter**

* * *

"They're developing this part of the city." Grandpa pointed out as we drove farther and farther away from the trim neighborhoods and deeper into the darker side of the community, "They say in ten years it'll be nearly as large as Tokyo."

Pressed snuggly against the car door, grandma's perfume slowly suffocating me, I gazed out at the developing city. I'd never been to Tokyo, but this place was definitely big. The buildings bumped elbows with the clouds, the sidewalks were large, but clogged with hundreds of bustling people, and construction sites were around every corner.

"Take the next right, dear." Grandma instructed, leaning up to point towards a road obviously older than all the rest. "It'll take you straight to the park."

I noticed an immediate change in scenery. The buildings shrunk to small markets and the sidewalks became weed infested blocks of concrete. Every bench had what looked like white snake skin wrapped around it, rather than paint, and questionable characters stood, watching with black eyes as our car inched passed. I blinked, watching as we edged closer to a group of apartments and a sun-streaked, glistening river.

"The river's here…?" I choked, jumping up away from the car window and leaning over my grandma to get a better look.

"Sit _back _Chihiro. Are you sure it's safe to stay here?" Mom asked Grandpa while I slumped back against the car door. She watched the characters through her rearview mirror, "I mean, they're not going to bother us, are they?"

"No," Grandpa answered gruffly, hints of disgust in his voice, "those punks are under the authority's thumb. They're disgusting kids, all mixed up with drugs and thieving, but they're a few brain cells short of a plant. If the police get just a hint that they've caused anymore trouble, they'll be behind bars quicker than you can sneeze."

"Please Chihiro," Grandma sighed, looking down at me, "make wise decisions, or you'll end up on the street just as they are."

"Yes, Grandma."

Moments later I stepped out of the car, holding the door open for my grandma and stealing a glance over at the group of men my parents claimed to be society's lowest. There were five or six of them; at least three were old enough to be my parents, one young enough to go to school with me. I bit my lip, watching as they talked in hushed tones, making odd, frustrated gestures, obviously arguing.

Then, for only a moment, the one I thought young enough to go to school with me, turned. Our eyes met in a violent head-on collision, and he smirked devilishly.

"Chihiro?"

I looked away, gasping, my face burning and heart pounding in my head. I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath.

"_Chihiro_!"

I turned to see my mom glaring at me, "What's the matter with you? Shut the door and help us carry this stuff to the table."

* * *

**Eight miles high and falling fast.**

**

* * *

**The grass was dead, snapping in half and crunching loudly underneath every step I took. The picnic tables scattered across the dry park were steadily decaying, brittle from the heat and scorched in random spots. The apartment buildings, though newly built, had been clearly uncared for in the last few years, sold to buyers like the delinquents across the street. But I only had eyes for the river, which, alone, held beauty in this wasteland.

"It certainly stands out," mom said, forcing a smile as she helped grandma set out the food, "They obviously keep the river cleaner than the surrounding area."

"I suppose there's a religious family living somewhere around here. They probably keep the river clean themselves, as a way to respect the spirit." Grandma mumbled. She looked over at me and grandpa and smiled, "Well, go ahead, dig in!"

I made myself a plate, but my stomach refused to cooperate. I didn't bother trying to join in with my family's obnoxious conversation. Surely the men across the street could hear every word they were practically shouting, and I didn't want to be part of it.

"I'm going to go dip my feet," I announced, quietly scooting away from the table.

"Don't wander far, Chihiro."

The comment blotched out my mind, putting a halt to my train of thought. I gazed at my mom, my jaw slack and stomach tightening, "What?"

"I said don't wander far. You're easy prey for a kidnapper around here."

The words reminded me of our last visit to the Kohaku River, long, long before mom and dad had begun fighting. It had been before the city was anything like it was now, before I could swim, before the bath house.

The bath house. Sen. Kohaku. "Uh, right. I'll be just over there."

"Alright dear, have fun." Grandma answered, waving me off.

Kohaku. The name rolled through my mind smoothly, like liquid silk through my fingers. As if it had always been there, a natural part of me, tattooed into my skin, eventually faded but never truly gone. And all at once I began to remember.

* * *

**It landed foul on the grass**


	4. t h r e e

**PART ONE**

You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

* * *

**Today is gonna be the day **

* * *

The Kohaku River's shore was no longer lined with soft grass and skipping stones. Large boulders were conveniently placed along the shore, like a gate fencing in the sloshing water. I climbed up onto one of the boulders, slipping off my shoes and tearing off my socks. I dipped my toes into the water, goose bumps instantly waving up my bare legs. Then, so nonchalantly I had to wonder if I had been planning it all along, I took my left shoe and dropped it into the river's gentle current, watching with vague curiosity as it bobbed around before dipping underneath the river's body.

I could still hear my family, like hyped animals in a zoo, barking wildly back and forth, ignorant to how much they were disturbing the peace in this vile neighborhood. Paranoid, I looked up towards the street, squinting and wondering if I could see the group of hooligans from this angle. They were gone. Relieved, I looked back down at the water and whispered the very name that pulled my heartstrings, "Kohaku?"

"Drop something?"

My heart jumped into my throat and I whirled around, looking up to see a pair of intensely dark eyes gazing down at me, the edges wrinkled from the boy's crooked smile. He had an angular face with pronounced cheekbones and a strong chin. His ebony hair was long and in desperate need of soup and water, not to mention the dirt flecked all over his skin and the smell of alcohol on his breath. "Oh, uh-"

"This _**is **_yours isn't it?" He asked, holding up my waterlogged shoe.

"Uh…yeah. Yeah, it's mine."

He cocked an eyebrow, dropping the shoe into my lap and kneeling down, "Well? No thanks or nothin'?"

"Thanks." I grumbled, being sure to look anywhere but at him.

"You know, from the way you were checkin' me out earlier, I would've thought you would at least look at me after I saved your little shoe." He grumbled, matter-of-factly, shifting into what must've been a more comfortable position.

I had no choice. I looked at him and forced a tiny smile, "I wasn't…I mean…well, thanks again."

His clothes were filthy and at least three sizes too large for his slender body. Though he was small, he held an air of possession about him. He knew what he wanted, he knew what he needed, and he knew what he could have. I knew that if he wanted to hurt me, there was nothing in this world that would've been able to stop him. I also knew that he didn't plan on leaving anytime soon.

"I'm Nanashi." He said, breaking the silence and holding out a scarred hand.

I took his hand hesitantly, and suddenly felt my heart shiver. His handshake was surprisingly warm, welcoming. I smiled, sincerely this time, "I'm Chihiro."

"Yeah, I know."

"How-?"

"I heard your mom yelling at you earlier."

"_Oh_."

"Not exactly the nicest family, huh?" Nanashi smirked, turning his charcoal eyes onto the river.

"Those people you were with earlier didn't exactly look nice either." I pressed, not understanding the sudden need to defend my mother. After all, my entire family had yet to notice the hooligan sitting at my side. _So much for not wanting me to get kidnapped,_ I thought bitterly, shifting my gaze to the river as well. "Why do you hang out with them, anyways?" I asked, when Nanashi failed to respond to my last comment, "They look so much older than you. You're like, what? Fourteen? Fifteen?"

"'_Those people_' are my friends." Nanashi snapped, looking back at me, "And I'm sixteen."

So he was only a two years older than me, but he seemed light years ahead of me…or behind me. I wasn't really sure which. "My grandfather said that you're under the authority's thumb. That if you do one wrong thing you'll be dragged off to jail." I wasn't accusing him of anything. To be perfectly honest, I was curious about his life, about his so-called friends, and about him.

"I'm sure your grandfather also accused us of being the shit of society, right?" Nanashi asked, still staring at me, an amused air about him.

"…yeah, pretty much."

Nanashi's crooked smile returned to his face, and even a chuckle whispered through his mouth. "Ya know, Chihiro, I usually despise kids like you. The rich, spoiled, country kids who think they know everything about the world just cause they can stomp all over the people in it." His smile wavered, but his eyes remained completely focused on me, as if he expected me to run and hide, or call for my mom, "But there's something different about you."

My heart was pounding, and I knew every inch of me was trembling. He was expecting an answer from me, something defensive claiming that I didn't think I knew everything. He was right though, I _**did **_think I knew everything, and I _**was **_just some rich kid from the country. I didn't know a thing about him and what he'd been through, but I had been judging him from the moment our eyes met like a car crash. I had no idea. The mystery was intriguing. For the smallest moment I couldn't decide whether I wanted to punch him in the mouth or kiss him.

"You're right," I answered, never-blinking, "There _**is **_something different about me."

I stood up, brushing nonexistent dirt off my shirt and picking up my socks and shoes. He followed suit, and, without the slightest trace of a smile, said,

"You wouldn't last one second in this shit-hole, Chihiro."

* * *

**That they're gonna throw it back to you**

**

* * *

  
**

"Will she be alright? She's seemed _odd _these last few days."

"She'll be fine."

"She hardly touched her dinner."

"She's probably just homesick."

I was on the other side of the door, curled up in the center of the guest bed, eyes wide open and chills racing down my back. My grandmother's shuffling footsteps scuttled down the hallway, but I heard my mother hover beside my closed door. I swallowed, continuing to shiver as I tightened my quilt. The doorknob jiggled, the door inching open to allow a strip of dim light to fall into my temporary room. I snapped my eyes shut, forcing myself to breathe evenly.

My mother's warm hand brushed across my forehead, pushing back my bangs. Then, with the tenderness I hadn't known since I was a small child, she pressed her lips against my forehead. "Goodnight, Chihiro."

The door clicked shut and my mother's brisk footsteps faded away, leaving me lying in the silent darkness of my grandparents' house.

It had been two days since our picnic by the Kohaku River, and ever since I had met Nanashi, I hadn't been able to think of anything else but his black eyes and crooked smile, his cool demeanor and intense stare, his honesty and his warmth.

_"But there's something different about you."_

And, every second I thought of him, I felt my heart shiver and my stomach squirm. After the bath house, after Kohaku and I had parted, I had gone back to school. I had been around plenty of boys, but had never been interested in a single one, because all I could think about was my dragon boy, the one who had promised to see me again.

Now, every time I tried to think about my dragon boy, my mind wandered to Nanashi. Every time I struggled to picture Kohaku's face, I saw Nanashi's charcoal eyes gazing off into the river.

I needed Kohaku. I _**loved **_him.

But he wasn't here.

And if he didn't come back soon, I might eventually forget him, every bit of him. His gentle smile, reassuring voice, protective demeanor, and even the way he could always remember my name, even when I had forgotten.

_I have to see him. I have to see Kohaku._

My eyes shot open again, my heart hammering against my insides. I sat up, shoved my quilt away from my shivering body, and hurriedly unzipped my duffel bag to pull out a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and a jacket. I got dressed as quickly and quietly as possible, then slipped my tennis shoes on and slowly opened up my door.

I peaked out into the hallway to see the house completely dark.

_You can do this, Sen._

* * *

**By now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do**

**

* * *

  
**

I wasn't sure why I was suddenly referring to myself as Sen, and, to be honest, I didn't care either. My identity wasn't the real issue at hand. I was more concerned on how I was going to get out of the house unnoticed, how I was going to get to the city, and, when and if I did get to the city, how on earth I was going to _find _the river. Not to mention I had to get back before my absence was noticed.

_Satisfying Yubaba would be easier,_ I thought bitterly.

The hallway creaked, the front door snapped when I unlocked it, and groaned when I opened it. With each noise I forced myself to keep moving and not look back, until, finally, I was standing in my grandparent's driveway, the night's cool breeze chilling me to the bone. I zipped up my tiny jacket, looked uncertainly at my parent's car, then decided that walking might be a safer idea. I was probably wrong, though.

I walked uncertainly through my grandparent's trim, and very dark neighborhood. When I finally reached the main road I continued to walk towards the city, my stomach tightened and my entire body quivering from more than just the breeze. The tapping of each quick step I took was loud; I expected someone, or something, to hear me. I kept in the dark, so that when a car passed, I was sure it couldn't see me. Finally, after an eternity of walking, I entered the outskirts of the city.

I have to admit I was shocked to have gotten that far without being kidnapped, raped, and killed.

The sidewalks and streets weren't completely empty, but I would've preferred it to have been. The homeless lay, stretched out on sidewalks and stoops, their scrawny, filthy body's looking worse than dead. Some people were conscious, dressed in similar attire to that of Nanashi and wandering the streets, like ghosts trying to find their way home. A few noticed me, and continued to stare at me, as if weighing my worth. Most eventually looked away, but some continued to stare, licking their dirt crusted lips as if they'd spotted dessert.

I was scared shitless.

But I was far from turning around.

Then again, I was also far from moving forward.

I just stood there, like a _complete _idi-

"You lose something?"

I turned to see Nanashi with his fists dug deep into the pockets of a long, heavy coat. His eyes were red, and, though his face looked as hard as always, I could clearly see him trembling beneath his mop of black hair. "What the _hell _are you doin' here, Chihiro?"

_He remembered my name._

"I-" My words caught in my throat. What _**was **_I doing here?

_Kohaku, you idiot!_

"Well?" He pressed, slouching back against a trashcan, grimacing.

"I need to get back to the river." I realized how stupid that sounded, how unimportant it seemed. But it _was _important. He had to understand how much I needed to be there before morning came. "Nanashi, I really need you t-"

"Come on." He snapped, pushing himself off the trashcan and wandering over.

"H-huh?"

"What? You gonna go there by yourself?" He stopped, holding his hand out. It was shaking, the scars molded across it glowing in the yellowing streetlight.

Swallowing my fear, I slipped my fingers between his and allowed him to guide me down the street.

But his hand wasn't nearly as warm as it had been.

* * *

**I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now **

* * *

**AN: so, i keep getting mails saying people are adding my story to their story alert list, but no new reviews?!? :'[**


	5. f o u r

**PART ONE**

On the dry and dusty road, the nights we spend apart alone, I need to get back home to cool, cool rain. I can't sleep and I lay and I think. The night is hot and black as ink. Oh God, I need a drink of cool, cool rain.

* * *

**A long night spent with your most obvious weaknesses**

* * *

"We're almost there." Nanashi grumbled, tightening his grip on my hand, pulling me closer to him whenever I began to trail behind. "Don't worry, nobody's gonna hurt you." We shoved passed bodies that could've been boulders, avoiding thirsty, reptilian gazes. "Just keep moving, and keep your eyes on the ground. God, this better be important."

I bit my lip, holding my gaze firmly on the sidewalk, "Thank you."

"…It's no problem."

I began to recognize streets and buildings, and soon knew where we were, which helped when it came to keeping up with Nanashi's second-hand knowledge of the city's side-streets. When he made that familiar right turn into the darkest part of the city, I couldn't help but give a silent sigh of relief.

I was going to see Kohaku.

I was sure of it.

* * *

**You start shaking at the thought**

**

* * *

**

Nanashi and I stopped on the threshold between the street and the park, and I couldn't help but give his hand a tight squeeze. The trees swayed in the post-midnight wind, the moon shimmering, fully in bloom in the very center of the sky. The water, stretching out across the rocks, whispered gently beneath the winds moans.

Nanashi looked down at me, eyebrows raised, "What'd you come down here for anyways?"

I let go of his hand, unsure of how to answer, "I'm…looking for somebody."

"There's nobody here." Nanashi pointed out, suddenly sounding nervous, "and if there was, it wouldn't be anybody you should be around."

"Should I be around _you_?"

He stared at me, obviously sizing me up, his hand still hanging where I left it. When he didn't answer, I turned my back on him, making my way down the slope and towards the river. I didn't have time to wait and see whether this guy was really trustworthy or not. Not when I could feel Kohaku in the air, as if I had just entered a room and he was lurking somewhere in a corner.

I hopped onto a low rock, the water licking up over its sides and tickling the tips of my shoes. Standing up as tall as I possibly could, I gazed out at the shimmering water, waiting…

"Chihiro…" Nanashi was making his way down the slope.

Ignoring him, I cupped my hands on either side of my mouth and shouted into the silent river, "Haku!"

"Chihiro, stop."

"_Haku_!"

"Nobody's here."

I turned, now even height with Nanashi. "He's here. He'll come; he promised he would." I started to turn back, to face the river, but Nanashi grabbed my arm.

"Chihiro, just listen! We need to-"

"**HAKU**!"

"Shut the _hell _up!"

Tears of frustration welled in my eyes, and I yanked my arm away from Nanashi's grasp, "He's here! He's coming!"

"Nobody's here except you and me, but if you keep shouting-"

"He'll save me." The words busted out of my mouth. I suddenly felt recklessness bubbling inside me, drowning the shivering doubt that, moments before, had threatened to win over my hope.

"…What?"

"He saved me before! He'll do it again!"

"Chihiro, what-**STOP**!"

Nanashi wrapped his arms around my waste, and suddenly the stone I had been standing on collided painfully with my rear.

"What're you _**thinking**_?!"

"I…" My words caught in my throat, because I didn't know what I was thinking. I had just very nearly stepped into the water, with insane hopes that a long-lost river spirit would save me again. Yet, at that moment as I gazed across the river, I didn't feel Kohaku's presence, or the safe reassurances of the Spirit World. Watching the current, I only felt fear. Vulnerability. Mortality.

Nanashi's arms unwrapped from around me and he whispered in a solemn voice, as if he understood clearly the pain his words were causing, "Nobody's here, Chihiro. Just a river."

Maybe he was right. Haku had been very real; he had saved me as a small child nearly seven years ago, then again three years ago. He had held my hand, had draped his arm over my shoulders, and had saved me from disappearing. He had loved me.

But something between then and now had died.

Because at that moment, sitting on the edge of the river, I only felt Nanashi as he slid onto the rock at my side, draping his own arm across my shoulders. "Forget it, alright?" He whispered, "Don't worry Chihiro, you're okay."

"I hate him." I moaned, pulling my knees up and lowering my forehead, "He promised…"

"And you nearly threw yourself into the Kohaku River…" Nanashi mused, chuckling nervously, "Let's get ya home before-"

"I don't _**want **_to go home."

"Huh?"

I looked up, my face sticky from tears and my body trembling from exhaustion. The very thought of returning to my grandparents' home, and riding back to the country with my mother, bothered me. Made me sick. I never wanted to be that close to the bath house again. I never wanted to climb into the back seat of my parents' car again. I never wanted to fall asleep with those adorned dreams of dragons and ghostly trains. I could never allow myself to cave in to the urge to return to the bath house, and demand answers.

* * *

**You are everything I want**

**

* * *

  
**

To be honest,

I just had too much pride to find Kohaku

And admit I still loved him

When I was so sure

The feeling was far from mutual

Nanashi took my hand

And led my prideful self away from the river

I never returned to my grandparents' trim home.

I never went back to the country.

I went with Nanashi.

And, for the next five years of my life

Became another around the corner punk

Became just another piece of shit

On Society's doorstep.

* * *

**'Cause you are everything I'm not**

* * *


	6. f i v e

**

* * *

**

PART TWO

Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption,

Winding in, winding out,

The shine of it has caught my eye,

And roped me in, so

Memorizing, so hypnotizing; I am captivated.

I am Vindicated.

I am selfish. I am wrong. I am _right_, I swear I'm right.

I swear I knew it all along.

* * *

**And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. **

* * *

For the longest time, I told myself I was through with love and all the pain it dragged along with it. And, as I grew older, I told myself that I had learned, that I was maturing. I wasn't an innocent fourteen year-old anymore. I was so far away from my innocence that my past self was like a long lost friend.

Nanashi's friends took me in, expecting that I'd run back home in due time. I fought the urge to cave in and go running back into my mother's arms. When I didn't run, they slowly learned to accept the fact that a scrawny, little girl was now following in Nanashi's shadow, scrambling to learn the ropes. Because if I didn't learn, I didn't eat.

When I was sixteen the searches my parents sent out ended in failure. Chihiro Ogino was declared dead, and I had to use a different name. Could you believe, I turned back to Sen? Nanashi, then eighteen, began introducing me to some more of his friends. Alcohol, tobacco, and above all others, the monster. He never insisted I join in; actually, he was against it, because he still believed that I'd return home. He wanted me to go home whole. I told him I wasn't going home at all.

The first time I tipped alcohol into my mouth, I thought it tasted horrible. I kept drinking, drinking, drinking. After I threw up, I just took another swig. At one point my memory of that night goes completely black. I woke up early that morning in Nanashi's bed, his nose touching my own, his breath stinking of beer. I was hurting in an uncomfortable area, and, when I moved, I felt the sheets rub against my bare thighs and bottom. Tears scolded my eyes, but I held my scream tight in my chest.

Though I never touched a cigarette, within the next year the monster entered my life. Drugs were the market in Nanashi's world. Well, I guess by then it was my world too. We bought them, kept some, sold most. The money we got from selling went back to buying more cigarettes, alcohol, and crank. The monster made the world quake with excitement. It was like hopping onto a roller coaster and inching up, up, up…until finally the adrenalin kicked in. I would fly, and it was amazing.

At least until I would crash.

My old self melted away, and by the time I was nearly seventeen, I was the life of the parties. Nanashi became more possessive. He kept me at his side whenever we were out, and, more often than not, he protected me from the two-bit punks who "wanted a piece of that ass." I had lost everything I was to him, but it was okay. He knew who I had been and who I was. And, though everybody else called me Sen, he insisted on being the one to call me Chihiro.

At nineteen, I caved in and fell in love with the guy who'd stuck by my side. Nanashi had stolen so much from me in the last five years, I saw little harm in handing him my heart. He took it with warm hands, and, all of a sudden, the darkest part of this city seemed pretty damn good.

* * *

**I am seeing in me now the things you swear you saw yourself**

* * *

**A/N: I know it's short but this is just sort of a prelude into the second part of the story, where the real plot begins, and also the point of view beings to change between third person, chihiro's first person, and occassionally another character's first person. reviieeew? --Miss Sheena**


	7. s i x

**PART TWO**

It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

* * *

**You're the cutest thing**

* * *

"Chihiro, wake up. We're here."

Nanashi Makoto's eyes darted from the train's foggy window down to the mess of brunette hair lying in his lap. Long, dark bangs tickled down around her stubbornly closed eyes, her lips parted slightly to reveal the tips of her front teeth. His hand rested on her stomach, rising and falling rhythmically with her unconscious breathing. He inched his hand up her stomach, over rib-bones and farther north.

"Having fun?" Chihiro asked slyly, her eyes still clamped shut as the train screeched to a stop.

"Well, yeah…"

Before he could finish, Chihiro sat up, grinding her fists against her eyes, flicking away sleep and brushing back her long bangs.

Her hair was short, only about an inch longer than her chin, with bangs that, in the front, brushed just over her eyes, and near the edges went all the way towards her mouth. Her once chocolate eyes had faded to an earthier brown with specks of green swirled around the pupil, and, most of all, at nineteen she had turned from a scrawny fourteen year-old to a beautiful young woman.

Nanashi studied her as she leaned over him, peering out the window as the fog lifted revealing the train station, filled to the brim with businessmen and women.

She was underweight, no doubt, but it wasn't unexpected. The two of them, along with the rest, had been living on little or no food the past year. Getting by on nothing more than the monster and cigarettes. This deal would give them enough money to get by with plenty of food for the rest of the year. It was up to her and Nanashi to snag it.

"What do you know about these guys?" Chihiro asked, slipping her hand into his as they rushed through the hall, down the steps, and into the sunlit station.

Nanashi watched as a family bustled passed the two of them, a small girl with wide, blue eyes watching him with curiosity. "At least two of them are wanted men."

"For good reason?"

"Murder, Chihiro."

Chihiro shrugged, leading the way through the crowds.

"Be careful, alright? If things start to go bad, I want you to get out." Nanashi pressed, tightening his grip on her hand. When she didn't reply he yanked back, pulling her to a stop. She whipped around, glaring at him through those playful bangs. She was a considerably short girl, and not at all intimidating, but her gaze challenged him.

"If you think I'll turn and run like some dumb shit-"

"Don't cause a scene, _Sen_." Nanashi snapped, watching with slight satisfaction as she closed her mouth, looking hurt, but not finished, "I don't think things'll go rotten, alright? Just keep your cool. These guys are always grabbing whores, so they might try to…I dunno, rough you up a bit, take you as a free lay. I don't want you to still be sticking around if I get knocked out or something."

Chihiro looked away, sunlight weaving in her hair, "Fine."

"Promise me."

"Nanash-"

"_Promise me_."

Chihiro sighed, her shoulders going slack in defeat, "I promise."

Nanashi reached his free hand out, taking her chin and turning her around. He smiled at her pathetic pout, her bottom lip poking out adorably. "You'll knock 'em dead." He leaned in, sliding his hand away from her chin and back onto the nape of her neck, her hair winding through his fingers. Many people hissed disapprovingly as he pressed his mouth onto hers, his comfort kiss turning into something less appropriate for the moment.

* * *

**That I ever did see**

* * *

Six years had evolved the city Chihiro had once traveled through with her mom and grandparents into something massive, truly a replica of the said Tokyo. The buildings glistened, their wide breadths rebounding the morning sunlight. The streets were jam-packed with yapping cars, the sidewalks flooded with busy people.

Nanashi, Chihiro, and the rest had left their part of the city near the river two years ago when a larger gang had offered to become suppliers in exchange for their home. It seemed strange enough, but they had gone with it, despite Nanashi's disagreement. Now, the tables had turned, and the suppliers needed supplies.

"We gonna walk?" Chihiro asked, gazing disappointedly at a taxi, standing still in the traffic.

"It's a cool morning, plus we won't get anywhere in this mess." Nanashi grumbled, pulling Chihiro down the sidewalk, leading the way, though Chihiro had long ago learned her way around the developing city.

"It'll be nice," Chihiro whispered, rushing up to his side and leaning against him as they walked.

"What?"

"To see the river again."

Nanashi looked down at Chihiro, but she didn't look at him. She just continued to gaze in front of her, lost in her own thoughts.

_"He'll save me."_

_"__**Haku**__!"_

"Remember your promise." Nanashi pressed, minutes later as they took the infamous right turn into the darkest part of the city.

"It'll be fine, Nanashi."

"You promised." Nanashi snapped, his charcoal eyes snapping down onto her. She cringed slightly, looking away from him as they walked down the suddenly empty sidewalk.

"I _know_. I never forget a promise."

* * *

**I really love your peaches**

* * *

Itsuko Hidaka was a muscular man with a nose ring and five ear-rings in each ear. His hair was cut short, his face a boulder lying precariously atop his neck. He wore a black suit with a red tie, the handle of a gun sticking out of his pants pocket too casually. He leaned his large body against a light-pole, looking no more innocent than a bloody knife in the center of a murder scene.

Nanashi tensed at the sight of him, but his face had gone hard, his eyes narrowed. He took his hand away from Chihiro's, instead slipping them into his jeans pockets. Chihiro held her chin high, slipping her jacket off and holding it in a bundle in her arms. Goosebumps instantly waved up her body, but she wouldn't put the jacket back on. She and Nanashi wanted them to have no reason to view them as a threat in need of disposing.

"Mr. Makoto!" Hidaka exclaimed, throwing his gorilla arms out and causing many passer-byes to duck and rush passed. "Please, follow me. I'm afraid there are enough cops out here to arrest the Chinese army. We'll have to talk inside. You remember the old lobby in the basement?"

"Yeah." Nanashi answered, watching Chihiro in the corner of his eye. She kept about a step behind him, her head bowed but her arms visibly tense as she gripped her wrapped up jacket.

"Yes, we'll be meeting down there." Hidaka finished lamely, his icy eyes flicking over to the short girl standing by Nanashi, "And who's this lovely little girl? Don't tell me you're married, Nanashi? I had arranged a bit of a celebration tonight."

"No, no," Nanashi glanced down at Chihiro casually before returning his gaze to Hidaka, "This is Sen Makoto, my younger sister. Times are rough and I don't feel safe leaving her alone. She won't be an issue, Mr. Hidaka."

"Good, good," Hidaka nodded, his eyes darting to the street where a slow moving cop car rounded the corner, "Let's go, hurry before the bastards spot us."

Hidaka led them inside, but, as the boulder disappeared through the doorway, Nanashi leaned in and hissed quickly in Chihiro's ear, "Remember the way to the river."

Chihiro gave him a puzzled look as he followed in Hidaka's footsteps, through another, smaller doorway, down a metal staircase, and finally into a large basement. It was dark, lit only by the yellowing light of a few lamps, and occupied by a round dozen men, all similarly built to Hidaka, and four women, dressed scantily with faces panted with thick make-up.

_Nice celebration, _Chihiro thought bitterly.

She hung back by the closed doorway as Nanashi stepped into the center of the room, instantly talking through the deal with Hidaka and his men. Hidaka's men, though, seemed to hold little interest in the dealings. They had their eyes stuck, studying the outline of Chihiro's small figure, dressed in tight jeans and a too-big t-shirt. Chihiro gripped her jacket bundle tightly against her chest, holding her eyes firmly on her 'big brother'.

* * *

**Want to shake your tree**

* * *


	8. s e v e n

**PART TWO**

The amount of pills I'm taking,

counteracts the booze I'm drinking,  
and this vanity I'm breaking,

lets me live my life like this.

* * *

**Well I'll choose the life I've taken**

* * *

"I don't like these men, Nanashi."

Chihiro slid into a fresh pair of jeans, pulling them over her thighs and buttoning them shut. She threw a sly glance Nanashi's way to see him with his back to her, his arms crossed and head tilted back, obviously watching the local news with little interest. Pulling her shirt off over her head, she continued with a stronger tone, "I don't see why we have to stay any longer." Tossing the shirt to the side she grabbed a black sleeveless and wiggled into it. "We've been here since early this morning; I don't know the time, but I _do _know the sun's going down in an hour or two." Hair ruffled and clothes wrinkled around her malnourished body, Chihiro took her old shirt, wound it up into a ball, and threw it at Nanashi's head.

"_**Hey**_! Space head! Mind listening to me for a few seconds?"

Nanashi grabbed the shirt, tearing it off his head, and turned to face Chihiro, a hard look in his eyes. "We don't want to make a deal and leave, Chihiro, especially one this big. We're going to stay an hour or two during the party, then we'll take the last train out of here." He tossed her old shirt into the corner, pulling off his own, "We're not spending the night. I promise."

Chihiro gave a curt nod, pulling her eyes off Nanashi's chest to dig through the pile of clothes. She found a small, red jacket that was close to her size, perhaps just a tad too big, and pulled it on. By the time she had her shoes on and hair brushed, Nanashi was ready and waiting by the door.

"Just keep a cool head, Chihiro. We'll be home early tomorrow morning."

* * *

**never mind the friends I'm making**

* * *

Hidaka waited outside, his boulder of a body nuzzled in an alley a block away from the dead park and glittering Kohaku River. Golden sunlight rebounded off his massive head, shining against his eyes and creating a malicious glisten. He held his hand out immediately to Nanashi, twisting his mouth into a smile and narrowing his beady eyes, "Mr. Makoto, it's an honor to have you with us tonight." Hidaka's eyes slid slimily down to Chihiro, and he held his hand out to her in turn, "And little Miss Sen Makoto, you'll be joining our…_ladies _tonight?"

Nanashi quickly answered, "My sister won't be able to stay at our party. I'm sorry, Mr. Hidaka, but she prefers quieter surroundings."

Hidaka frowned, letting go of Chihiro's small hand, "That's a shame, but," He shrugged the mountains on each side of his head, "My brother, Jiro, won't be there either, perhaps he and Sen could keep each other company while we go downstairs?"

Nanashi shifted, his face thoughtful, but his body tensing, "I'm…not sure."

"Don't be ridiculous!" Hidaka boomed, smacking his hand down on Nanashi's shoulder and turning the smaller man to face the graffiti etched door, "You don't want your baby sister seeing you with our ladies down here anyways, now do you? If I had a sister, I wouldn't want her to see me stuff cash in a whore's-"

The door shut with a heavy thud, and Chihiro felt something crawling in her stomach. She closed her eyes tight, trying to rid herself of the images. When they didn't go away she grasped her head with both her hands, shaking it back and forth and groaning angrily, holding tight to the scream locked deep inside her chest.

"What're you doing?"

She hadn't even heard the door open again. She looked up to see a man, almost identical to Hidaka, standing in front of her. His build wasn't as bulky, his eyes not nearly as sinister, but he was obviously the man's younger brother. "I…nothing." Chihiro's face flushed and she took a step or two back, away from the smaller boulder, "Jiro, is it?"

"Yeah." He answered, shamelessly staring at the not so impressive area of her chest.

_Great Nanashi,_ Chihiro thought bitterly, _go have fun with a dozen whores, and I'll stay up here talking the night away to a horny rock._

"I've got a few lines." Jiro grumbled, a dull, satisfied look rising in his eyes, "It'd give us something to do to pass the time." Then, without waiting for an answer, he turned his back on her and walked down the alley, where another door waited, even more worn than the first. He pulled it open, then finally turned to stare at her, his beady eyes challenging her.

Would you believe, she took up the challenge?

* * *

**and the beauty that I'm faking **

* * *

She noticed the gun right away.

It was resting almost innocently on the table in front of the couch, right next to the alcohol and plastic bags of crank. Somehow she managed to ignore it. The couch wasn't _too _uncomfortable, and there were plenty of lines to go between the two of them.

She turned away when his hard, dry lips ran across her neck. He offered her another line. Big hands pulled off the jacket. She slipped to the other side of the couch. Another. Kiss, full on the mouth. She took a swig from one of the bottles. Heart beating. Something was wrong. This wasn't right. Another. One kiss. Only one kiss. Another? _No, no more._

He was heavy, his body no longer a boulder but a mountain, and she didn't have a chance against his gorilla arms. Buttons burst. She started to wriggle away, he held her down.

"I'm not a whore." She growled, tensing as her naval became visible, her bra strap snapped.

"Good. Haven't had a free lay in a while."

Fear pumped adrenaline through her body, goose bumps rising across her skin.

"Fuck _**off**_." She snapped, plying her fist free and swinging it against his mouth as he bent lower. He grabbed her arm twisting it back around, forcing it underneath her back.

Hands traveling across her torso, the waist of her jeans sliding lower and lower.

"I'll scream."

"Who's gonna hear, babe?"

She screamed. Stars lit up her eyes as his fist made contact with her head. Heart stomping through the mush valleys of her chest. Jeans down around her ankles. She screamed again, and his hand clamped over her mouth.

"Don't make me put a bullet through that pretty little forehead."

The gun was in his hand, pressed against her forehead. She froze.

He grunted as her underwear began to slide away.

Chihiro ripped her arm out from behind her back, grabbing the barrel of the gun and pushing it away from her head. Jiro's voice thundered as he pushed his body down against her. She wriggled, her bare skin grinding against loose springs in the old sofa. Then, with no remembrance of how she managed to get there, Chihiro's body collided with the floor. She jumped to her feet, her heart leaping as she felt the cool metal of the gun in her hand.

Jiro was up on his feet, towering over her as she stumbled back into the table, holding the gun up.

"Gonna shoot me, babe, when my brother's just down the alley?"

"Stay away from me," Chihiro growled, her hands trembling as she placed a finger over the trigger. Her mind was all over the place, but she could still see her discarded jeans rumpled up at the end of the couch. It was enough to keep her focused. She wasn't getting raped by Hidaka's room temperature IQ brother.

"There's nothing in there, babe." Jiro sneered, his yellow smile sending chills through Chihiro's body, "Last bullet went into last night's whore; I guess she's gatherin' maggots in that alley down the street now."

Her muscles turned to jelly, fear pumping fresh images into her mind. Her hold on the gun faltered as Jiro grabbed hold of her, his grip so tight on her waist she felt the bruises bloom on her bare skin. Her feet left the ground as he threw her against the couch. She cried out, tears streaming down her face as the gun clattered to the floor. The springs groaned, poking up and jabbing into her back and thighs, all the while he continued to grind against her. Underwear ripped off, her last thin shield falling away.

_"No…no, Chihiro! __**Chihiro!**__"_

Chihiro's eyes snapped open, her hand gripping the gun and lifting it off the floor. Fire rushed from her heart, through her arm and to the tips of her fingers as she pressed the muzzle against Jiro's chest, and squeezed.

The sound was deafening, the gun kicking back, slipping out of her hand and smacking to the floor again. Jiro's body lay on top of her, but his grunting had silenced and his movements were few. He rolled off of her, his massive body crashing onto the edge of the table, flipping it over. Bottles clattered to the floor. The ones that didn't shatter rolled about noisily.

Chihiro's chest heaved as she gasped for breath, her face soaked with tears and blood streaked across her stomach and chest. A sob rose from her throat, releasing a cry so weak and hurt she hardly recognized her own voice.

She sat up, turning to look down at Jiro. He lay, face down in his own gathering blood. Her entire body shivered and she pulled her knees up against her chest, hugging herself and rocking. Lowering her face onto her knees, she let loose a scream that had been dying to escape for six long years.

* * *

**lets me live my life like this**

* * *


	9. e i g h t

****

PART TWO

Catch me as I fall. Say you're here and it's all over now. Speaking to the atmosphere, no one's here and I fall into myself. This truth drives me into madness. I know I can stop the pain, if I will it all away.

* * *

Fully clothed, skin battered, and muscles aching, Chihiro pulled open the door Nanashi and Hidaka had entered only an hour before. As she opened the heavy door, a few men were heading up the stairs. She stepped back, watching as they exited the room, some leaving with women in tow. When Hidaka appeared, his eyes instantly snapped over to where Chihiro stood. She jumped, her eyes darting to the ground at her feet.

"Sen?"

She looked back up to see Nanashi standing there at Hidaka's side, looking worn, his eyes red. "What's wrong? You look horrible."

Chihiro didn't answer. She couldn't find her voice underneath the weight of Hidaka's glare. He knew something was up. He _**knew**_.

"_Sen_?"

"Where's Jiro?" Hidaka asked, stepping in front of Nanashi.

Chihiro had forgotten how much larger Hidaka was. She kept her eyes locked on the ground, a lie blooming in her mind but her voice unable to cooperate.

"He…never came." Chihiro choked, unable to hold back the shivers snaking through her skin.

"Bull shit." Hidaka snapped, reaching forwards and grabbing the collar of Chihiro's jacket, "Where's my brother?"

"HIDAKA!"

Hidaka looked up, his eyes gazing over Chihiro's head and back towards the door Jiro had entered for the last time.

A man, with a white-faced woman glued to his hip, had gone to that back doorway moments before; now he stood with a pallid look to his face, a scared tone to his voice, "Jiro is dead! He's been shot in the chest!"

"_No_…" Nanashi breathed, his eyes focusing on Chihiro, "Chihiro you-"

Hidaka let go of Chihiro's jacket, reaching into his own and pulling out a gun similar to the one Chihiro had left in the room. "You killed him?"

"No!" Chihiro choked, tears welling in her eyes as she stumbled back, away from Hidaka.

"You killed him."

"I didn't!"

"YOU _**KILLED **_HIM!"

The gun's tip exploded and Chihiro felt the rush of the bullet pass by her ear. Nanashi had her arm and was pulling her down the alley and out into the dying sunlight. Men were closing in on all sides, guns in hand and aimed towards Chihiro and Nanashi. Nanashi pulled her against his chest as another bullet whizzed passed.

"The river! Remember the way to the river!"

* * *

**Fallen angels at my feet_._**

* * *

Nanashi's lips met her forehead, his breath easing over her skin. "Go, Chihiro, don't look back." Nanashi's charcoal eyes flashed emerald, his scarred skin rushing to a clear pale. A lost youth filled his body and rushed over Chihiro's. Then, in a flash it was gone. His body jerked, blood rushing through his teeth and trickling down over his lips and chin. He face crashed against the street, his life evaporating into the cool, sunset breeze.

* * *

**Whispered voices in my ear_._**

* * *

Chihiro ran, bullets clapping against cars and streetlights, sirens whining in the distance. Innocent people collided with the sidewalk, liquid rubies bubbling from the holes poked into their delicate bodies.

* * *

**Death before my eyes**

* * *

The trees swayed, leaves rushing through the air and dancing in the sun's red, dying light. Grass crunched beneath her feet, the slope snapping her legs in an odd angle. Chihiro fell forwards, her body crashing into the grass and rolling down the hill, towards the picnic tables and the shadowy river.

* * *

**Lying next to me I fear**

* * *

Chihiro choked as blood slid down from her mouth into her throat. She pulled herself to her feet, tearing across the grassy field and towards the rock siding of the river. A bullet stung the bench she had been lying at the foot of a mere second beforehand.

"You're a pretty little thing." Hidaka called from the top of the hill, making his way down slowly, "There's no point in killing you when there's other uses for you."

* * *

**She beckons me shall I give in**

* * *

Amber streaks of sunlight slid across the river's surface, Chihiro's beaten expression gazing, distorted, back up at her. She could hear Hidaka's footsteps, slow and easy, thumping towards her. He would toy with her, play with his food before eating it.

"Help me…" She whispered, tears slipping down her face as she kept her eyes on the water, "I don't wanna die. Haku, _**please**_, I don't wanna die!" Her voice was high, her stomach tight and a sob rising in her chest. She felt a familiar fear pulling her heart, tightening its muscles. She was drowning again.

"Oh, I know, dear," Hidaka was behind her, the muzzle of his gun pressed lightly against the back of her head, "Come with me and I'll keep you alive for a good long while. No use wasting a pretty face."

* * *

**Upon my end shall I begin**

* * *

"No," Chihiro breathed, listening to every last beat her heart made, filling her lungs to the brim with every breath she could take. She straightened her body, pulling her eyes away from the river. She turned, slowly, atop the rock, and soon found herself gazing directly down the barrel of Hidaka's gun.

* * *

**Forsaking all I've fallen for**

* * *

She stood defiantly in the face of death, challenging him as she had so often challenged Nanashi. Her heart rushed, trying to work a life's worth of thuds within her last few moments.

Hidaka gazed at her curiously, his lips moving in words Chihiro never heard. The sun dipped below the horizon, blood red clouds sucking in its very last rays of light. Darkness swallowed her before the twitch of his finger, the rush of the explosion, or even, it seemed, before the touch of the bullet.

* * *

**I rise to meet the end.**

* * *

Hidaka dropped his arm to his side, his eyes still locked curiously on the broken girl, laying on the rocks with water rushing across her torso and head, washing away the bubbles of blood. Her eyes remained open, the earthy brown glaring defiantly up at the twilight sky.

Blue and red lights flashed across the park, car tires screeching to a halt. Doors snapped open, deep voices shouted down to him. He heard none of them. Absentmindedly he cocked the gun and twirled it around his thick fingers, beady eyes lost in thought.

"So defiant," He murmured, lifting up his gun and holding his back to the rushing cops, "almost as if you have somebody waiting for you."

"DROP THE GUN AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!"

The tip of the barrel met Hidaka's temple, "And because of you I have no choice,"

"DROP THE GUN, _**NOW**_!"

"But to end myself at your stubborn side."

"YOU'RE SURROUNDED!"

Indeed, he was. With an audience circled around him, all clad in dark blue uniform, Hidaka's eyes glazed over, and his thick finger twitched once more against the trigger of his gun, driving the last bullet into his own, angered mind.

* * *

**The Kohaku River bubbled with rubies,**

**Glistening maliciously,**

**Beneath the star lit sky.**

* * *


	10. n i n e

**PART THREE**

There's close enough, and there's too far. It won't change an empty stare, but I can't seem to end these images, hauntingly looks like hell.

* * *

**Gave In Again, The Bastard**

* * *

The night before my grandfather died

Nearly fifteen years before my own death

I had finally decided

What type of spirit I wanted to be

That next day

When I ran into my grandfather's room

And found his shell left lifeless

It only prodded my hopes,

And pushed them closer to the surface of my mind

Isn't it weird that

Those so many years before I died

Shot at the side of the Kohaku River

I had already learned to appreciate death

And the wise spirits hidden in its depth.

Somewhere along the line

Of my fucked up life

That appreciation left me

I wanted so badly to be the wind

Now all I want is to be a kid again

With my innocence still locked away inside my body

And my mind still filled with the hope

Of love after death.

* * *

**Can't Keep Refusing Rights **

* * *

The golden slip of paper danced underneath his forefinger and thumb, the handsome handwriting sparkling beneath the full moon. He stood, frozen, on the center of a small, wooden bridge, bare-chested and without shoes. His hair, shoulder length, looked black in the night light as it rubbed along his shoulders, brushed about by the frosty breeze. Behind him loomed the bath house, the lights glowing, the guests sure to arrive within moments. It was what lie ahead of him that made his legs lock and his heart shiver.

Water, in a place that, mere hours before, had been a large, beautiful field, lay just beyond the small set of buildings and the heavily perfumed air. There was a train that skimmed those waters, riding along a track that went much farther than the sea before the bath house. It took those with a ticket, and only those with a ticket. He had to leave; he couldn't stand being here any longer. By morning the ticket would melt to nothing, and who knows how much longer he'd be locked away then?

Delicately slipping the ticket into his front pocket, Kohaku stepped across the bridge, emerald eyes locked on the buildings ahead, watching as the black spirits appeared beneath the colorful lights. The smell of food was thick, causing his stomach to squirm and his eyes to wander. His steps faltered at the sight of a long line of meats, smoking, their smell drawing. A whip cracked against the back of the table, wielded by a large man with drool dripping from his fat, brown lips.

"Keep moving, dragon boy!"

Kohaku's eyes snapped to the ground in front of him, his pace picking back up as he sprinted down some stone steps. _What's wrong with you?_ He thought, sliding against a wall to avoid walking through a black blob of a spirit, _Don't let Yu-baaba's spells get to you. Not when you're this close!_

There it was. The water stretched out before him, the remains of more stone steps leading down into its depths. A boat, shimmering on the water and slowly bringing more spirits to the bath house, inched its way towards Kohaku. He sighed, turning his eyes to the blank inertness of the water. He could just fly to the nearest train stop, hop onto the train, and put the bath house out of his mind…forever.

The water lapped up around his bare ankles, licking the edges of his short pants and crashing against the stone steps he stood on.

"Where's your immortality gone, boy?"

Kohaku tensed as a black, cloaked figure rose from the water, not making a single ripple. A white, smiling mask lie across his face, and he showed no visible arms or legs. "You can't po_**ss**_ibly be leaving, can you, dragon boy?" He hissed, his voice high and chilling, "But you've been here for _**so **_long."

Another dark figure rose from the steps behind Kohaku until it hovered inches from the ground, "Indeed you have, dragon boy, _**so **_very long. You should think more before you throw your immortality away for a train ride!" With wide smiles locked on their masked faces, the two spirits began to circle Kohaku, chuckling like rattling snakes.

"I've done my time." Kohaku growled, his voice low, his emerald eyes flashing as they watched the spirits circling him, "Now let me leave in peace."

The two spirits froze, side by side, in front of Kohaku, their masks gazing down at him, both hissing demonically.

"Don't be _**so**_ quick to give it up!" Began the first one.

"Is there not _sss_omeone you wish to _**save**_?" Finished the second, turning his masked face to the empty stairs to the left of Kohaku.

Kohaku turned, chills racing down his body.

A gorgeous woman stood, mere feet to his side, glaring at something he could not see. Her dark hair was shorter than his, hardly brushing passed her chin, and lay still around her face, despite the wind picking up there, at the bath house. Eyes earthy and defiant, she glared at the person they could not see with malice and disgust. Kohaku watched, with pain in his chest, as she clenched her trembling fists, and met her end with a gruesome blow…

"**No**!" He shouted, watching the blood explode from her precious forehead. Ignoring the laughing spirits he dropped to his knees, throwing his arms out, only to have Chihiro's body slide straight through his grasp. She smacked against the steps, blood falling over her porcelain skin. He reached out to her, his fingers going straight through her hair, her open eyes, her small, pale hands. He couldn't touch her. He was shaking, an odd lump forming in his throat. "Where is she?" He choked, whipping around to glare at the two floating spirits. "You have her! _**Where is she**_?!"

"The girl is here."

The dead body lying before Kohaku faded, and a new body appeared, floating between the two spirits. Chihiro hovered, like a horrid rag doll, in mid-air, her wrists bound behind her back and her head lolling to her shoulder. Ropes wound around her fragile body, a tight, black slip of cloth wrapped around her mouth and nose.

"Let her _go_." Kohaku growled, the nature of a dragon hissing through his teeth. His eyes flashed, his nose wrinkled and lips twisted into a terrible sneer.

Yet, the two spirits, bobbing in the air with Chihiro's soul resting between them, merely carried on in their snake-like laughter.

"Her soul is black!" Cried the first, wafting lazily in front of Chihiro.

"She belongs to _**us**_, dragon boy!" Shrieked the second, rushing forwards in an instant, until his horrible mask wasn't an inch from Kohaku's own nose, "Go catch your train! _**Hurry**_! Before the sun rises and you're locked away _forever_!"

They cackled, the sneer evaporating from Kohaku's face. His lips fell open, his eyes watching Chihiro in excruciating defeat. _How could this happen to __**you**__, Chihiro?_

"Do tell No-Face we send him our _**love**_!" Cackled the spirits in unison, each taking a side of Chihiro and breathing in her scent, their gasps rattling.

"…_please_…"

The two spirits turned, their masks' ghostly smiles gazing down at the dragon boy.

Kohaku swallowed, sweat beading in his forehead and hands trembling, "Please, let me speak to Yu-baaba? I know what you want, and you can have it; just let her go. Take the ticket."

Whatever invisible strings that had been holding Chihiro up, had now been cut loose. Her body tumbled from the air, landing in Kohaku's grasp. Her head rolled onto his chest, the top of her hair brushing the bottom of his chin. He slowly laid her down on the steps, holding her head up last and gently setting it.

"The ticket, dragon boy," Began to first spirit, a solemn tone hushing over his hiss.

"It will be let loose into the sea." Finished the second, dropping to eye level with Kohaku.

Kohaku didn't look up from Chihiro's face as he slid the golden slip of paper from his pocket, squeezed it into his fist, just to feel its freedom pulsing through the signature one last time, then let it go, in that moment his own soul floating lazily in the Spirit World's wind, landing with indignity in the water, and dissolving into nothing.

"You have ten days, dragon boy. Ten days."

* * *

**So He'll Loan The Cash**

**

* * *

**

"Zeniba!"

His foot smacked against the bottom of the locked doorway, his body wobbling as Chihiro remained unconscious in his arms, hair sliding across her moonlit face. Kohaku panted, lines of sweat stretching across his temples and down to his chin and neck, all as the animate streetlamp bobbed about, casting yellowing light on his pale face. He drew his foot back again.

"_**ZENIBA**_!"

His muscles had tensed, ready for another toe crunching kick, when the door snapped open, a grumpy, big-nosed woman glaring daggers up at him, "I want nothing to do with you, you blasted piece o-" Her rattling voice froze, her bright eyes widening at the sight of the girl lying unconscious in Kohaku's arms. The door inched open further as the old woman hesitantly stepped into the night, her eyes gazing at the girl's face, "Who is it?"

Kohaku shifted, propping Chihiro's head up more securely against his chest, "You know who it is Zeniba. If you don't want to help me, at least consider helping her."

The streetlamp hopped away, casting a dark shadow on Zeniba's Swamp Bottom home just as the old sorceress pushed her door open, casting a warm light onto Kohaku and the spirit of Chihiro Ogino.

* * *

**But The Sin Is On The Hands Of You**

**

* * *

**


	11. t e n

**PART THREE**

* * *

"You gave them your train ticket! Are you _**mad**_?!"

"It's what they wanted. Chihiro would've been taken to His realm otherwise, you know that."

"But if my sister finds out you're still here-"

"Yu-baaba will know nothing. You understand? Nothing!"

"I understand, Haku, but-"

"If she finds out, I'll be sent away and Chihiro will have no chance in getting a ticket."

"That girl _must _have a ticket, we can't let…_**Haku**_! Haku, she's awake!"

_When I opened my eyes_…

"Don't just gawk at her, you stupid boy! Get some water!"

_I had no idea who I was…_

"Chihiro? Chihiro drink some of this…it'll help, sweety, I promise."

_Or why I was lying in a bed_

_And having ice cold water forced down my throat_

"Don't drown her you old hag! Let her breathe!"

_But when I heard a voice_

_Deeper and younger than the first_

"Chihiro? You alright? Can you hear me?"

_I felt recognition stir_

_Somewhere deep within my chest_

"Stay with her, Haku, I need to get something warmer for her head."

_The bed sagged_

_And I felt his fingers brush_

_So softly_

_Across my forehead_

"You're safe now. I won't let you get hurt again, I promise."

_With a tug to my heart_

_I remembered Hidaka_

_And the bullet hole in the very spot_

_My long lost dragon boy was brushing_

_His fingers so gently across_

"Here, sit up…I'll help you, just relax."

_With a squirm in my stomach_

_I remembered Nanashi_

_Dead, not long after he had held me_

_Just as Kohaku was doing_

_His heart beating, so very alive, in my ear_

"Put this across her forehead; she's ice cold."

_What's going on?_

_Am I dreaming?_

"Did you tell her, Haku?"

I _must _be dreaming

_I must be dead_

I _must _be drunk

_I must be dead_

I _**must **_be high

_I have to be dead_

I _**can't **_be dead

"You died, Chihiro."

_My God_…

* * *

**I ' m d e a d ?**

* * *


	12. e l e v e n

**PART THREE**

If you die, you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got. - Kurt Cobain

* * *

**Polly says her back hurts**

* * *

"Ten days, boy, ten days is all you have, and you're wasting precious hours sleeping on a floor?!"

"Where else am I supposed to go?"

"Out of my home!"

"And Chihiro?"

"You've done enough, dragon! I'll take care of her just fine on my own."

Chihiro's bones felt stiff, locked into place and useless, her skin as solid as a sheet of ice lying across her lifeless organs. Her brain pulsed, waves of pain shifting between her closed eyes.

"I can't just leave her."

"You're pathetic. Do you see her? She's a grown woman now. As if she still has heart left for you."

"You lecture like your sister."

It was hard to tell if her eyes were opened or closed, the darkness of the room was so thick. Chihiro's eyes fell onto a slim line of light, slipping through a door only cracked open. A pair of voices, one rough, the other deep and spiteful, shivered through the creaking house.

"Don't you _ever _compare me to her. I would never…I _have _never-"

"I don't wanna argue with you, Zeniba. I'll be gone in a few days."

"You'll bring those beasts to my home-"

"I'll leave before they get here. They won't come near your home _or _the bath house."

Warm tears rose in Chihiro's eyes, slipping down her cheeks and splashing softly on the small pillow propping her head up. Cool cloth pulled up into her hand when she clenched a fist, and she realized how naked she felt. Her thighs were bare, but something had been wrapped around her waist. Her shoulders lay naked to the air, a thin cloth wrapped and tied tightly around her chest. Her skin was pale, completely clear of bruises and scars.

"…what were you thinking? Do you even realize-"

"I know."

"_Eternity_, Kohaku, in that blasted pit of hell."

"I _**know**_!"

The bed groaned as she sat up, sinking as her weight shifted. Her bare feet brushed over the floor, and she found herself gazing at her naked legs, small, but looking healthier than how she had last glimpsed them. She no longer looked malnourished, no longer felt beaten. The only bit of her that stung was her head.

"Chihiro?"

She looked up on time to see the door inch open, a large, pointed nose appearing before the rest of the wrinkled, worn face. "Chihiro, you're awake! Are you with us, honey? Last time you woke up you didn't seem to take in anything we said." The old woman's voice was soft, rattling, and caring. Her eyes large but filled with warmth.

"I…" Chihiro began, her voice oddly high, scratchy, "I don't understand…"

The confession sounded pathetic, childish and weak, but it was beyond honest, and the ancient witch didn't seem to consider it anything more than expected, "Yes, Chihiro, we tried to explain, but you were still much too weak to concen-_Will you mind your head you stupid boy_!"

A tall man, with dark, dark green hair and bright eyes pushed passed Zeniba, dark lines hanging underneath his eyes and clothes loose on his body. He smirked at Chihiro, his smile pulling strings on her heart and kicking awake deep, lost memories.

"Haku?"

"_**Ko**_haku, remember?"

"Uh-" Chihiro swallowed, her cheeks flushing, her hands groping for the blanket and hurriedly pulling it in front of her near-naked body, "I still don't…" He was just staring at her, drinking her face in like one of those blasted, two-bit son of a bitches Nanashi had always protected her from. _Nanashi…_ "Why am I here?" Chihiro groaned, tears burning in her eyes, her heart thumping in her chest, "I was at the river…I shouldn't be…I was _**miles **_away from the tunnel!"

"You were at the river? _**My **_river?" Kohaku asked, his eyes widening.

"Well, _**is**_ it still your river? You've seemed oddly absent the last, I dunno, _**decade**_." Chihiro snapped, her eyes narrowing.

The color in his face washed away, his lips parting slightly in lost explanations. But Chihiro didn't _want _to hear it. She didn't want to see him, and she couldn't stand the strings tightening on her heart, the stiffness in her gut at the sight of his emerald eyes, his familiar smirk.

"Who do you think," Chihiro whispered, no longer seeing Zeniba in the doorway, having eyes for only Kohaku, "I was _**pleading **_with before…before Hidaka…" Her face was on fire, tears escaping her brigades and sliding down her face, dripping down her neck and pooling between her lips, "'Cause I sure as _**hell **_wasn't begging _**him **_to help me, Haku!"

His mouth shut, his body tightening to an odd stand still.

"Go," Zeniba snapped, pushing Kohaku's stiff form back, through the doorway, "You and No Face can see to making some warm tea. _**Now**_." The door clicked shut, and Zeniba stood, large eyes focused on Chihiro's wet face, "Oh…Chihiro, darling-"

"I'm sorry!" Chihiro yelped, grinding her fingers against her eyes, brushing away tear streaks, "I'm _**so **_sorry! You…You're helping me so I can go back, and I'm just…God, I'm _so _sorry, Granny, I didn't even say hello…or thank you."

Zeniba blinked, gazing at the small girl's trembling body. "Chihiro," She said, taking a step deeper into the room, "Sweetie, you _can't _go back."

Chihiro hiccupped, her hands dropping from her cheeks immediately, "_What_?"

"Don't you remember? He told you…last you woke up…you were crying for an hour before you fell asleep. You kept saying things."

She didn't remember; she strained her mind, digging through loose files to find this piece of information, and came up with nothing.

"You're _**dead**_, Chihiro. Haku says you died by gunshot, a single shot to the head. The rest, he'll have to explain. I'm merely housing the two of you until things are…worked out." Zeniba finished lamely, her eyes traveling to the shut door, as if this explanation had drained her, and all she wanted was to sit back with that warm tea Kohaku and No Face were concocting.

"So…this-this is what happens when you die?" Chihiro asked, surprised at how she managed to hold a level tone, "You come _here_? Through that tunnel?"

"Well, no. There are…many different stages and places your soul can travel to. You were meant for some place else, but Kohaku made a trade and brought your soul here instead." Zeniba's eyes met Chihiro's once more, and a sense of sincerity shivered through the room, "I know you're angry, Chihiro, but he has given away something very precious to assure your safety. The least he deserves is your thanks, if not your forgiveness."

With that, Zeniba pulled open the door and left Chihiro, alone to her thoughts and the soft aroma of smoky tea.

* * *

**she's just as bored as me**

* * *

The light danced,

So warmly,

Across the heavy, wooden table

Flickering and casting shadows

Across his dark, emerald eyes.

I noticed, right away,

The fatigued hunch to his back,

The defeated sigh in his breath,

And a round, steaming teacup

Waiting faithfully for me

At his side.

* * *

**She caught me off my guard**

* * *

"Zeniba stepped outside," Kohaku whispered, not sparing Chihiro a glance as she stepped, slowly, up to the candle-lit table, "said she needed some fresh air, a moment to herself." He shifted, uncomfortably, at the table, gripping his teacup with both hands and glaring stonily into the dark brown liquid.

"Haku…" Chihiro began, her voice sounding loud and inappropriate after Kohaku's gentle whisper, "I didn't…I mean…" She hesitated, wishing more than anything that the boy would at least look at her, give her some inspiration to continue on, make her feel like she wasn't just talking to empty air. When he didn't look up, she tipped the tea into her mouth, burning her tongue.

"It's hot." Kohaku grumbled, standing up, leaving his own cup abandoned and untouched on the table. "I think I'll go out too."

He hurried across the room, as if afraid Chihiro would stop him and force him to stay. Yet, when he twisted the doorknob, she noticed him clearly hesitate, his head tilting to the side, as if wishing to catch a glimpse of her in the corner of his eye.

"Wait," Chihiro stepped forwards, grabbing hold of his arm, "I…well I'm _not _sorry," She stopped, shocked that he actually turned, his eyes gazing down at her. Suddenly she wished he'd look away again. "I don't understand why you didn't keep your promise. Why you didn't return to your river, or, if you _**did **_return to your river, why you never…why you just left me. Because I looked for you, and waited for you, until finally I gave up and…" She lost her confidence, unable to find words to describe the way her life went after that dark night by the river.

Kohaku gazed at her, his expression unreadable, but Chihiro was almost positive he could read everything about her; he could see her past, hear her thoughts.

"He doesn't recognize you."

"H-huh…? Who?"

"No Face."

Chihiro blinked, turning to see No Face hovering in the back of the room, his mask gazing straight at her. "Do I look _that _different?"

"It's not physical appearances he sees."

Chihiro turned back to Kohaku, "What-"

"_Souls_, Chihiro, he sees and feels souls. And yours has changed," Kohaku interrupted, his eyes flashing, "You're not the same girl I met nine years ago, and No Face proves that." He looked away from her, disgusted, "Your soul is black, all your innocence gone, just like the spirits back at the bath house. It's disgusting."

* * *

**It amazes me, the will of instinct**

**

* * *

**

**AN: **_yeah, I know I'm pretty much leaving you with veerrryyy little explaination, but it'll all be explained soon, I promise. The chapter was getting long though, so i decided to end it on this lovely note. Reviews..? And just for anyone else I've been tricking into thinking the story's about to end, i plan for there to be four parts total, maybe a very, very short fifth part, but probably not. -- miss sheena dunlop_


	13. t w e l v e

**PART THREE**

I'm giving up the ghost of love in the shadows cast on devotion. She is the one that I adore creed of my silent suffocation. Break this bittersweet spell on me, lost in the arms of destiny. Bittersweet.

* * *

**I won't give up**

* * *

Disgusting?

Like the women at the Bath house.

I never thought,

Never associated, the workers

With real souls, real spirits.

Had they all been real people?

Alive, breathing, living?

I thought about Lin,

Yearning for a train ticket.

And Kamaji,

Working in the boiler room,

Day after day.

The house was silent

Hours after I had spoken to Kohaku.

I took a cup of tea

And stepped out into the warm glow

Of the Spirit World's sunset.

And there he was,

Leaning against a post,

Looking lost.

All I wanted was to stand by his side

And forget about the charcoal eyes

That haunted my dreams.

* * *

**I'm possessed by her**

* * *

"When did it happen?"

His voice floated back to her, standing a dozen feet from his silhouette. He turned his head slightly, so that only the corner of one of his dark eyes could be visible to her as she stepped closer.

"The sun had just gone down." Chihiro answered warily.

"I'm sorry," He murmured, sincerely, "You didn't…feel it did you?"

She stepped up to his side, taking a sip from her tea and watching the ruby sun dip lower towards the horizon, "No. I was out before I could even hear the shot. I guess it's better that way."

Kohaku looked down at her, she could feel his gaze as much as the warmth of the sun, "What happened?"

"I was stupid," She answered simply, stepping back and leaning against the post opposite of Kohaku, "but I was sick of running. You can only take so much shit from people until you finally decide to quit kissing their ass and throw it back. _Oh_," She added, biting her lip, red blooming on her face, "Sorry, it's kind of a natural thing."

"I've heard worse," Kohaku shrugged, "It's just weird hearing it from you."

"It's weird _seeing _you." Chihiro pressed, setting her cup down at her feet and crossing her arms over her chest, "I was thinking I'd never see you again. Now I wake up in Swamp Bottom and you're calling me disgusting."

"I didn't-" Kohaku started, then realized he did; he looked away pointedly, red light brushing over his angular face. Chihiro was reminded uncannily of Nanashi's stubborn frown, his squinted charcoal eyes.

"Kohaku?"

"Hm?"

"I don't understand what you did exactly, but Granny said you did _something _that…that somehow saved me?" She paused, unsure of what to say. When he didn't respond she plowed forward, "Well, I'm sorry for getting so mad at you. I should be thanking you for doing something like that."

For a minute neither of them moved, both focused on the sun, more than half dipped beneath the watery horizon, the rest shining defiantly into pink, puffy clouds. The wind picked up, the temperature dropping noticeably, and Chihiro felt chills race down her body, going deeper than the skin. Fear pumped into her heart and she began shivering.

Kohaku turned abruptly, "Chihiro, there's something I need to-" His eyes widened at the sight of her, shivering, the color in her face washing away, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just cold, I guess." As she said it, another wave of chills raced across her skin, "What d'you need to tell me?" She tightened her arms in front of her chest, holding her jaw firm so her teeth didn't chatter.

"You're shivering," Kohaku pointed, glancing at the dying sunlight, "but it's not that cold, Chihiro. Are you sure you're al-" His words died away and he left his position by the post, advancing on her.

Her teeth were chattering violently, the blood rushing from her face. Beads of sweat formed on her forehead; her heart was stomping as if she'd been running, and an invisible pressure was suddenly grinding against her stomach. She blinked away tears, shaking her head and clenching her teeth. Then, against her will, her lips parted, her mouth forming unwilling words, "_I'm no whore_."

"What?"

The sun disappeared beneath the water

"_Stay away from me_!"

"Chihiro?"

The sky flushing with a brilliant red

"_No! I didn't!"_

Her knees buckled, tears sliding down her face; her skin was crawling, and suddenly she felt naked, exposed. Kohaku's strong hands gripped her shoulders, pulling her up to her feet. When she continued to sway, he lifted her from the ground, holding her as he had done when the spirits first dropped her from her bindings.

"_Help me! I don't wanna die!"_

"No…no, Chihiro! _**Chihiro**_!"

"_Haku, __**please**__, I don't wanna die!"_

She was sobbing, her body aching. She clutched Kohaku's shirt, screaming into his chest as the pain exploded in her forehead. She felt her skin break and the wind rush beneath her open skin. She tasted the metallic blood, sliding down, all over her face. Her insides screeched to a halt, and she felt death rush into her system. She was drowning. She was _**drowning**_.

_I felt the river slip its cold fingers _

_Against the palm of my hand_

_Brushing its lips against my cheek_

"_Help me_…" She pleaded, glimpsing Kohaku as he lowered her down to the ground, propping her back up against the post, "_Haku, __**please**_."

"_Remember the way to the river_."

He cupped his hand against her tear streaked face, confusion stirring in his eyes. The blood on her face, the hole in her forehead, and the emptiness in her heart evaporated.

"I was there and you didn't…" Fresh tears rose in her eyes. Even as the vision faded, her skin continued to crawl, her heart continued to pound, "but you _were _there. I felt it," She whispered, looking up at him, "I felt you with me when I drowned. You were there, weren't you?"

He frowned, wiping the tears off her cheeks with the back of his hand, "No, Chihiro. I wasn't."

* * *

**I'm bearing her cross**

* * *

Her soul was black

Her innocence inked away

But when I looked into her eyes

Glistening with tears

And sparkling in the sun's dying light

I could see her again

Just a small girl

Looking for her parents' comfort

And a way home.

* * *

**She's turned into my curse**

* * *


	14. t h i r t e e n

**PART THREE**

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste. I've been around for a long, long year, stole many a mans soul and faith. And I was 'round when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and pain, made damn sure that Pilate washed his hands and sealed his fate. Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name, but what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.

* * *

**I stuck around St. Petersburg**

* * *

He carried me inside

With strong arms, but a weak heart

I felt his heart beat tremor

So softly against my ear

Like the flutter of an eyelash

Or the brush of a kiss

Had I known

The fear that was growing

Within the deep layers of his heart

Things would have been different.

I know they would have.

* * *

**When I saw it was a time for a change**

* * *

Kohaku shut the door, turning to meet Zeniba's sly gaze. "Don't look at me like that." He grumbled, pulling out a chair and slumping into it. He lay his head down, forehead resting on the rough exterior of the table. "When I made that deal with Yu-baaba," He grumbled, clenching his fists, "I thought she'd be safe."

"The human world isn't a safe place." Zeniba snapped, "There are dangers there you will never understand. Things can happen to a pretty girl that are much worse than death."

Kohaku felt his stomach tighten, Chihiro's words echoing in his mind, _"I'm no whore." _

"I know you're bitter because the innocent girl you once knew has returned with a dark soul," Zeniba continued, ignoring his lapse of silence, "but what you've failed to acknowledge is that her soul, no matter how dark, is broken. She has made horrible choices, fallen into a sinful existence, but, human or spirit, nobody is perfect, and everybody deserves a second chance."

Kohaku lifted his head from the table, meeting Zeniba's calm gaze, "When you say second chance, you believe she should return to the bath house?"

Zeniba frowned, snapping her fingers, a second later holding a handful of bright, glistening threads, "I don't think work alone will clear her soul, Haku. It will take a certain amount of sacrifice."

"You don't think I've given enough to save her?" Kohaku snapped, sitting up in his chair, "You can't possibly think-I mean, it's _got _to be enough?"

"The spirits you bargained with are deceitful creatures," Zeniba replied, matter-of-factly, "they don't see people, they only see souls to feed on. Chihiro's is full of dark memories and malicious deeds; it's enough to make their mouths water." She paused, gazing thoughtfully down at her handful of threads, "Have you ever considered that when they come to take you away, they may very well take Chihiro as well? Do you trust _him _to _leave _her?"

Kohaku didn't need to answer. It was obvious he'd been tricked, but at the time, all he'd been able to think about was getting Chihiro away from those beasts. Now he thought of it, he had been completely tactless. He was a fool.

"Take her to see Yu-baaba," Zeniba pressed, "She can become a Yuna, relieve her soul of as much darkness as possible. Maybe she will rid herself of enough sin to stay away from Mashuu's realm. It's the only way to save her soul."

"But less than eight days to get rid of a decade of sin?" Kohaku groaned, a sneer pulling at his lips, "It's impossible."

"Maybe…" Zeniba sighed, "but Chihiro will be forced to relive her death during the twilight, every night, until her soul is freed, or until He comes to take her away. No doubt, she will also suffer from the addictions that weighed her during life."

"Addictions?"

"Drugs. Alcohol. Even sexual desire if that was a large part of her life."

Kohaku cringed, "She wasn't a whore."

"You're sure?"

He refused to answer. Instead he stood up, his chair sliding back noisily.

"Where are you off to?"

"I'm taking Chihiro to see Yu-baaba." Kohaku hesitated, his back to Zeniba, "Wish us luck."

A deep frown folded down Zeniba's face, her eyes narrowing in the warm, dancing light, "You'll need more than luck, boy."

* * *

**Killed the czar**

* * *

He found Chihiro sitting cross-legged on the bedroom floor, gazing blankly at No-Face, who, in turn, was staring at her with a curious tilt to his mask. There was a heavy silence in the room as he quietly shut the door, holding his breath.

"You were right," Chihiro whispered, her voice strained, "He doesn't know me. Every time I try to get near him he moves away." She looked around at Kohaku, gazing up at him with moist, earthy eyes, "Am I that horrible?"

"You remind him of what he used to be ten years ago, before he came to live with Zeniba." Kohaku explained, moving over to the edge of the bed and sitting down. Chihiro remained sitting at his feet, watching him move, her eyes pressing for more of an explanation.

"He uh," Kohaku paused, glancing over at No-Face, "He's one of the few spirits who used to hunt down the sinful and take them away from here. You see, the bath house is a place for, I guess you could call them the good spirits, to come and cleanse themselves, but it also serves as a place to work away the sins you committed as a human. Yu-baaba took an oath to hire anybody who asked for work, and give a train ticket to those who worked away all their sin. The train is the only way you can leave the bath house and rest."

Chihiro frowned, shifting around to fully face Kohaku, "The spirits like No Face took the sinful away from the bath house, where they were working?"

"Yes."

"So when I let No Face in, and he started eating the people…"

"He represents greed, and so ate the greedy with intentions to eventually take them away." Kohaku finished, "His job was to find the sinful and take them away from the bath house and deliver them to his master, Mashuu, where their souls would remain in his realm to be fed on."

Chihiro grimaced, "_Fed _on?"

"Mashuu is a creature who lives off of absorbing dark souls, and can never get enough. He sends his spirits out to retrieve the souls of the sinful to bring back to his realm. Naturally, He doesn't approve of Yu-baaba's oath to allow his meals to work away the sin in their soul."

Chihiro shifted uncomfortably, gazing down at the floor as Kohaku fell into silence. "So," She mumbled, her gaze wandering up to focus on No Face as she spoke to Kohaku, "Where was _I_ meant to go?" But she knew the answer before Kohaku had a chance to speak.

"Two spirits similar to No Face had you bound and ready to be taken to Mashuu's realm," Kohaku mumbled, holding his gaze on Chihiro's pale face, "but I gave them my train ticket in exchange for your soul. They'll be back in just a few days to take my soul to Mashuu, hopefully in place of yours."

Chihiro held very still on the floor, staring solidly into a wall.

"With any luck," Kohaku added, his voice betraying his calm mask and cracking with fear, "it'll buy you enough time to work away your sin."

* * *

**And his ministers**

* * *

That night I dreamt of Nanashi

And his strong arms hugging me against his chest.

And he was breathing, alive and breathing,

Against the bullet hole in my forehead.

I moved slowly across his chest,

Opening my eyes against his shoulder,

And wrapping my arms firmly around his waste.

A soft whisper broke over the silence

And I glanced over Nanashi's shoulder

To see No-Face with that horrible, toothy mouth,

Hovering over the two of us,

Ready for lunch.

* * *

**Anastasia screamed in vain**

* * *


	15. f o u r t e e n

**PART THREE**

_Now every fool in town would've left by now. I can't replace all the wasted days, the memory of your face._

* * *

**Maybe if we ever could've kept it all together**

* * *

"They're lighting the lamps."

Kohaku jumped, looking around to see Zeniba hovering in the bedroom doorway, her large eyes gazing down at him across that giant nose. Her mouth was twisted into a concerned frown as she watched the dragon boy slowly stand, stretching his back and legs as he did so. "If anything," She murmured in her cracking voice, "Yu-baaba may keep Chihiro for good. It's a better existence than that with Mashuu, but a hard one."

She couldn't help but notice the sag in his shoulders as he turned to look at her, face assured, but body weak, defeated almost, "Believe me, I know." He glanced over at Chihiro, sleeping, as she did so often, with her head hidden safely under the pillow, "But she can do it. When she was very young she outsmarted Yu-baaba. She can do it now."

Zeniba left without another word. Kohaku took hold of Chihiro's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze as he lifted the pillow off of her with his free hand, laying it to the side, "Chihiro? Chihiro, wake up."

Chihiro's eyes eased open as Kohaku's fingers traced the silhouette of her face, the smallest frown touching the corners of his mouth, "Do you always sleep with your head _under _the pillow?"

"Yeah, so it's harder for freaks to watch me sleep." She retorted, pulling the pillow back over her head and shoving his hand away, "Shouldn't you be in the living room? Zeniba would flip if she saw you were in here with me."

"Zeniba's already been in here," Kohaku answered, the bed groaning softly as he sat atop it, playfully pulling the pillow off of Chihiro's head, "and it's time to go. If we don't hurry they'll close the bath house before we can cross the bridge."

Chihiro froze, mid-shove, and stared up at Kohaku, "The bath house?"

"Where you can work off your sins, hopefully before Mashuu decides to come looking for you after he's got me."

Chihiro sat up, "If you've already worked away all your sins, how come they'll take you instead of me?"

"Pure souls are more, how should I put it, _appealing _in taste."

She narrowed her eyes, her mouth twisting into a grimace, "You're not going anywhere."

Kohaku rolled his eyes, smirking lightly, "We'll see. Hurry and get dressed."

* * *

**Where would we be?**

* * *

Hanging lamps swayed and squeaked in the gentle breeze, the red and purples of their shades reflecting in Kohaku's focused eyes. Chihiro followed along beside him, her eyes locked on the ground she shuffled across, her dream still locked securely in her mind.

His body had felt so solid against her, so warm, so _real_. The idea that he was cold and empty now, somewhere, sent a wave of heaviness through her entire body. She felt the lump in her throat suddenly grow, as if suffocating her, and tears stung her eyes. She turned to Kohaku and asked him the question that had been burning in the back of her mind since she first woke up, "Nanashi. Where is he?"

Kohaku stopped in his tracks, looking around at her, something unreadable shifting behind his eyes, "Nanashi?"

"N-Nanashi Makoto," Chihiro mumbled, suddenly regretting bringing it up, "I was…I was with him before, and he died just a few minutes before I-"

"He probably went straight to Mashuu." Kohaku interrupted, his voice suddenly tight, "They only brought you to me, because they knew I'd be willing to make a trade for your life. His face would've meant nothing to me."

"So you would've let Mashuu have him, then?" Chihiro accused, her eyes flaring.

A short, sarcastic laugh busted out of Kohaku as he looked up to the sky, rolling his eyes at her, "Well, I don't know about you Chihiro, but _I_ don't throw my soul down the toilet for just anybody."

"Regardless, it seems a little heartless." She grumbled, looking away from him and continuing on without him.

"You know what's _really _heartless?" He snapped at her, rushing up next to her and grabbing hold of her arm, holding her still, "_Expecting _me to give up, I don't know, eternal happiness, rest after God knows how long in this hell hole, WHATEVER, for some random druggie piece of shit, when you shouldn't even have expected me to do it for YOU, who OBVIOUSLY couldn't care less about me and all I've done for you as it is."

He let go of her arm, turning his back on her and storming towards the small, wooden bridge about three levels of stairs away. Chihiro held still a few moments, staring after him with wide eyes, only realizing she had been holding her breath when her heart began to flutter.

* * *

**  
A thousand lost forevers**

* * *

"Master Haku?!"

Kohaku stood stone still at the end of the bridge, Chihiro waiting a few inches behind him, gazing around his arms down at the small frog staring with round, glassy eyes up at them.

"I need to see Yu-baaba, immediately." Kohaku's voice once again held the air of authority he had used just days beforehand to carry out Yu-baaba's work.

The frog blinked up at him, his huge eyes stirring with indecision, "W-what? …No. _No_, you're not supposed to be here! You're supposed to be _gone_!"

Nearly all the working spirits had froze in their tracks, gawking at Kohaku as he continued to glare down at the frog, "Where and where I'm not supposed to be isn't a concern right now. I need to see-"

"Yu-baaba has agreed to see them."

Kohaku's eyes snapped over to the woman who had interrupted him. From behind him he heard Chihiro gasp as Len pushed her way through the other workers, her face emitting annoyance as she stared suspiciously at Kohaku, and the woman behind him. "Didn't you hear me? I said she agreed to see you." She snapped, looking away from the two of them and gesturing for them to follow her.

"But Len-" the frog began helplessly, but was interrupted by the toe of Kohaku's shoe shoving him off the bridge and into the crystal water below.

"C'mon." Kohaku grumbled to Chihiro, not sparing her a look as he walked with his head held high straight through the workers, at Len's heals.

* * *

**And the promises you never were giving me.**

**

* * *

a/n:** _sorry for the super long delay. good news though! not only did i get into my first and only choice college, but i got all kinds of scholarships and grants!! Whoohoo!! Financially i think i'm set, so i might not even have to work my first year, which is gonna give me more time to come back home and see my family and friends. But anyways, thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU for all the reviews! This isnt generally the type of story i write, but i've been attempting to muddle through it and get something halfway decent out of it. Nearly seventy reviews! Can you believe that? most I've ever gotten on anything! Keep it up, and i'll try my best to get back into the groove of things since i've finally got almost everything set up for my freshman year in FILM SCHOOL! w00t!_


	16. f i f t e e n

**PART THREE**

Don't gain the world and lose your soul. Wisdom is better than silver and gold.

* * *

**We live in a wheel**

* * *

Kohaku and Len slid with ease through the crowded bath house, between large bodies and over miniscule ones, Kohaku only glancing back every so often to make sure Chihiro wasn't too far behind. Seeing that she was managing to push through the crowds, perhaps not nearly as inconspicuously, but well enough to keep up, he turned to Len, leaning forwards and murmuring just behind her ear, "She didn't really agree to see us, did she?"

"No." Len answered simply, slowing to a stroll as they neared the gated elevator, "So you owe big time, buddy."

"What do you want?"

"I'll settle for a decent explanation." She gripped the lever, yanking it down, and looking up to watch the elevator briskly sink down to their level. As Chihiro came up behind them a moment later, she finished. "Who's she?" Len jerked her head back towards Chihiro, "And what're you doing bringing her to Yubaba?"

The gates slid open smoothly and Len quickly stepped in, watching with quiet amusement as Kohaku placed his hand on Chihiro's back, pressing her into the elevator first, before quickly following suit. The moment the gates closed back again, Kohaku turned on Len, "First you tell me what kind of authority you have to be telling them what Yubaba's agreed to."

"Somebody had to take your place." She replied simply, glaring at him impatiently, "Now answer my questions before we get to her floor. Who's your little girlfriend?"

Chihiro, who had remained anxiously silent, suddenly looked up, eyes wide as she stared, looking almost hurt, at Len, "What? You don't recognize me?"

"You're not exactly nine anymore." Kohaku grumbled sarcastically, "It's Sen. She's dead, and I'm trying to keep her from having to go to Mashuu."

Len's eyes grew round as she whipped around to face Chihiro, "Sen?! But…Why the _hell _would you be going to Mashuu? You shouldn't even have to be here!"

Chihiro opened her mouth, ready to explain, but not exactly knowing what to say. When no words came out, Kohaku stepped in, "She made some stupid mistakes. That's not what matters right now though. I just have to get her into Yubaba's office. She can't turn Chihiro down for a job. We all know that much for sure."

Len stared at Kohaku for a moment, murmuring quietly, "How long does she have?"

"I'd say only five days. Six at most."

The gate slid open and the three looked around to see Yubaba's deep red door and the ornate handle that gazed wickedly back at them.

* * *

**Where everyone steals**

* * *

"Go, Chihiro." Kohaku pressed, taking her shoulder and leading her out of the elevator, "We'll be right here." His voice had tightened once more, and he glanced back, almost nervously at Len, "But you need to hurry and get it over with. Yubaba has many mind tricks, and I don't know how long we can trust Len."

He let go of her shoulder, but a second later Chihiro grabbed hold of his wrist, her eyes stricken, and her grip incredibly strong, "Listen, you don't have to go through with this, okay? If I go to Mashuu then I just get what I deserve. I never meant for you to-I mean I know I'm messed up, but I won't ask you to do this for me."

Kohaku smirked, pulling his wrist out of her hand and saying, with a sigh, "You never asked Chihiro."

He nodded at the door, then turned his back on her, walking into the elevator just as the gates closed back again, abandoning Chihiro on Yubaba's floor. She watched helplessly as the elevator disappeared down below, and slowly turned back to face the door handle. She reached towards it, hand trembling, and couldn't remember the last time she felt so young and frightened.

"After all this time you _still _don't know how to knock?"

Chihiro jumped, her heart leaping into her throat as the door swung open on its own, air rushing through her hair and chilling her neck. An invisible force took a fistful of her shirt, and she felt her feet leave the ground, before her hair had even draped back down over her shoulders. Dozens and dozens of doors flew by her, and for a single, insane moment she found herself wondering what lay passed each one of them, if anything. More worlds? More bath houses? Her grandfather? Nanashi?

Hard, carpeted floor smacked into Chihiro's chest, and she felt her lungs deflate, her eyes growing fuzzy and head light. Thumping noises surrounded her, along with the crackling of a nearby fire, and the brushing of papers against one another.

"So I let you free, and still you come running back to my bath house?"

Faintly, Chihiro felt herself push herself up onto her elbows, then onto her knees. Suddenly her face was bathed in intense heat, and she realized she had landed mere inches from the fire place.

"Was it dear little Haku? Were you so intensely in love with my precious dragon boy, that you had to come back for him?"

Those things were bouncing around erratically, landing on her fingers, bumping into her, shoving her closer to the fire.

"Or is it true what I heard just moments ago?"

She dragged herself across the carpet, struggling to be away from the fire and those creatures. She got away from the fire, but the creatures followed her. She began to shield herself uselessly with her arms.

"Did cute little Sen really die at her…_ripe _young age?"

There was a pause, and Chihiro looked up on time to see Yubaba, so similar to Zeniba, yet undeniably different all at once. Her thin lips took a deep drag off of her cigar, then all at once the smoke tumbled like a round waterfall out of her nostrils. Her head was held high, but her eyes glared down the bridge of her nose, straight into Chihiro's own eyes, reading her, drinking up her fear. She was reminded suddenly of Jiro, Hidaka's boulder of a brother, staring down at her with foggy eyes, getting a kick out of the scared girl trapped in his clutches.

"Did Sen, the kid, the only one to ever outsmart _me_ really earn her way straight to Mashuu's realm?" Yubaba cackled wickedly, holding the cigar high above her head as her dress waved over her shaking stomach. "And _Haku_," She continued, the laugh still rich in her voice, "Working for decades to redeem himself, and the moment he's free gives everything away to save your sorry little-"

Anger flared in her chest and she stood up almost too quickly to completely keep her balance, interrupting Yubaba. Even the creatures suddenly held still, the six eyes gazing curiously up at Chihiro. "My name is Chihiro," She said sternly, clenching her fists at her side and scowling at Yubaba, "and I'd like a job, please."

Yubaba, the laugh completely absent of her face now, stubbed the cigar out in her ashtray, never removing her eyes from Chihiro's. She folded her fingers together and said, matter-of-factly, "So you're going to let Haku go through with this then?"

"I'd like a job, please."

"You're going to try and work off an impossible amount of sin, fail, and watch your lover be dragged away by Mashuu's spirits?"

"I would like a job," Chihiro repeated, slowly and more loudly, "_please_."

Yubaba sighed, straightening up some papers and finally pulling her eyes away from Chihiro's as she searched slowly for her pen, "You really have changed." A pen rose on its own from the corner of the desk, floating lazily into Yubaba's hand as she wrote rapidly across the first paper in her stack, "Courageous little piglet returns a decade later as a greedy, self-preserving _pig_." Yubaba looked up, a disgusting smile plastered beneath her monster of a nose as the paper and pen floated into Chihiro's own hands, "But the apple never falls far from the tree, now does it?"

Chihiro bit her bottom lip and stepped up to Yubaba's desk, laying the paper down in front of Yubaba, unsigned. For a moment Yubaba, with an even larger smile, reached forwards to take the paper back, but then Chihiro hurriedly signed her name across the bottom, and watched with a blank face as the letters of her name rose into the air, and reformed themselves.

Sen.

* * *

**But when we rise it's like strawberry fields**

* * *


	17. s i x t e e n

**PART FOUR**

There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting you submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror.

* * *

We are oft to blame in this 'tis too much proved

* * *

"Oh, and Sen?"

Chihiro froze at the door, only partially turning her torso towards Yubaba. The room remained nearly silent as Yubaba took a painstakingly long moment to simply stare straight at Chihiro, as if sizing her up once again, looking into her. Finally, over the soft crackling of the fireplace, Yubaba said, with her eyes turned down onto her paperwork once more, "As of two hours, twenty-two minutes, and six seconds ago, Lin has earned her train ticket away from the bath house. So you will be taking her place until I can find another little toad to do my bidding."

Mouth dropping open slightly, Chihiro turned fully to Yubaba, "But I-"

"Shut up," Yubaba snapped, looking up at her again, daggers in her eyes, "And give this to Lin when you see her. No doubt the dragon boy is still sneaking around with her, expecting me to be none the wiser."

A golden ticket was held out over the desk to Chihiro, the paper wafting dreamily in the still air, the slanted, black ink shining in the dim firelight. She took it with care, carefully placing it in her pocket.

"After delivering that to Lin, she will leave immediately. You will need a change of clothes, so go to the boiler man directly after and he will see to it that you know what to do." Yubaba's eyes grew, if possible, even more stern, "Do not ask me questions. Do not come to me for help. Do not speak to me about my sister, and do not speak to my child. You are not permitted to leave the bath house unless directed to do so. Remember," She smiled wickedly, her sharp teeth catching a snatch of firelight, "I'm doing you a favor. _Not _the other way around."

Chihiro nodded quickly, turning her back once more on Yubaba and leaving the room quickly. The second her door slammed shut, Chihiro turned to gaze at the dark, red wood, her mind telling her that her heart should be pounding, but her body only felt empty. There was no stir in her stomach, or sting in her chest. She was simply, in every meaning of the word, numb. She couldn't help but think, as she quickly walked down the corridor, the gated elevator always seeming miles away, that it was almost as if she had sold her soul. So what was the use of working to cleanse what now belonged to Yubaba?

* * *

that with devotion's visage

* * *

"Breathe, Lin."

Lin laughed breathlessly, her eyes shifting away from her ticket and up at Kohaku, smiling tightly down at her, unhidden jealousy stirring restlessly in his eyes. The sunlight played across his face, coloring his skin to a soft orange tone and making his eyes shine through his squinted lids. She felt a sharp pain in her chest she couldn't recognize, felt something begin to swell inside her throat. She suddenly felt human again, suddenly felt alive. As the tears began to fall, Kohaku looked away sharply, and she was grateful. Quickly wiping them away, Lin murmured, "You'll get your chance, Haku."

The corners of his mouth twitched, his smile faltering for a single moment. "Yeah," He said quickly, looking back around at her to see her face was safely dry, "Yeah, I'm sure."

Lin looked around at Chihiro, who stood with her arms crossed a few feet away from the two of them, her hair flipping around her face in the wind. Lin thought, for just a moment, she saw a brush of deep purple blooming on Chihiro's neck, but then it was gone - just a trick of the light. "Chihiro?"

Chihiro's eyes snapped up, meeting Lin's, and all at once the bruise returned on her neck, and Lin watched, with repulsion, as the small girl's body began to all but decompose. Bruises appeared in places they hadn't been before, and her face and arms became almost skeletal, as if she hadn't eaten in days.

"G-Go to Kamaji whenever you need help." Lin finished, unable to take her eyes away from the sickly looking girl standing before her, "He never forgot you, you know, and he'd still be more than willing to help you out, however he can."

Chihiro nodded, a small smile pulling at the corners of her mouth, "I'm glad you finally get to leave."

"I hope you get to do the same." Lin answered.

"She will." Kohaku murmured, looking around at the two of them, his eyes widening at the sight of the transformed Chihiro, "You should get to the bath house. You aren't supposed to leave without Yubaba's permission. Hurry."

Chihiro nodded, throwing Lin a short wave and a smile, then turning and running towards the bridge.

As Chihiro's body turned into a silhouette in the dying sunlight, Lin looked around at Kohaku, "What's going on?"

"It's almost twilight." He answered.

In the distance the sound of splashing water was heard, and both Lin and Kohaku turned to see the dark form of the train cutting through the river towards them.

Kohaku held his hand out to Lin, and she took it, shaking it with a smile pulling across her face, "Good luck, Haku."

He nodded and stepped back as the train shrieked to a stop, water sloshing up onto the wooden platform. He saw Lin's shoulders rise as she took a deep breath, her arms shaking and knees buckling as the door to the train opened, revealing deep red interior, and a few empty eyes gazing out towards her. She stepped inside, holding her golden ticket out to the awaiting spirit. He took it, tore it in half, and gave Lin a single nod.

The train doors slid firmly shut, and Kohaku watched as Lin's soul was taken far away from the bath house.

* * *

and pious action

* * *

Chihiro staggered to a stop at the foot of the bridge, gasping for breath and gripping the railing for support. Just hours before she had felt completely empty, no soul, no heart, but now she felt her heart stumbling in her chest, and her empty stomach churning and growling. Her throat felt so dry, and that shaking. Her entire body was trembling, her teeth chattering. She despised the thought, tried to ignore it, but couldn't. She needed a line. Or five.

_It's that thing, it's almost twilight._

Her head was pounding, the corners of her eyes going black.

_Just calm down, calm down, God damn it, calm-_

"You've gotta be kidding me. Sen Makoto, is that you?"

Chihiro's body jolted. She let go of the railing, standing up straight and looking around towards one of the tiny booths to see a shadowed figure hovering behind the counter, broad shoulders leaning casually against the wall.

"Who-?"

"I can't believe it!" He interrupted, his body pushing away from the wall, "Come on over here and have a bite to eat, it's been ages."

There were dark bottles behind him, she noticed. Tons of them. Her body ached for a drink, her legs acting on mere physical need rather than thought as they pulled her over to the booth. Yet, she couldn't help but notice that the closer she got, the more the man sunk back into the shadows.

"Have a seat, Sen, I'll get you a drink. That'd make you feel better. I know it."

"I dunno, I-"

"You'll feel so much better, I promise." He turned his back on her, reaching up towards the top of the stack of bottles, and pulling one down. She watched as he leaned over and lightly blew some dust off the bottle, "This is a good one. I saved it just for a night like this. Now, c'mon, sit down."

Chihiro gripped the edge of the counter, pulling herself up into the chair. Even as she sat, though, she felt her heart rate pick up, and the muscles in her legs begin to burn. Hidaka was chasing her again. The concrete street was pounding against her feet, reverberating up her legs as she dashed towards the park.

A glass was set in front of her, filled to the brim with a colorless liquid, almost like water, only thicker. Instantly her throat began to burn, and she felt tears fill her eyes, "I dunno, I'm supposed to be-"

"You'll feel _so _much better, Sen."

The glass was cold against her hand, and unbelievably heavy. She raised it up to her lips and tilted it back, just slightly, so that only a small drop could run down against her tongue. Instantly a frenzy came over her and she tilted the glass up further, chugging the drink, because God it _did _make the pain go away. Her throat, she could feel it cool, and her stomach ease.

"There, see?" He chuckled as she set the empty glass down, "What'd I tell you? Feel better?"

"Can I have more?" Chihiro asked, instantly ashamed of the desperation in her voice, but not enough to take it back. All at once she could feel Jiro grabbing her, pushing her down. She could see the blood bust out of Nanashi's mouth as his body crumbled like a falling card tower, down, onto the street. And she could feel the rush of the cold wind as her own body tumbled down, against the rocks and into the shallow water, Kohaku's amber water.

Two frosty fingers brushed across Chihiro's face, brushing away tears, "Try this, Sen." She looked down to see a line, ready to go. "It'll take all your pain away. You don't have to go back to the bath house. I'll keep the pain away. I'll keep you nice and safe."

It sounded so nice, and even though this stranger's hand was cold as ice, it felt safe to have it there, cupped against the side of her wet face as she leaned down towards the table. His hand shifted away from her cheek and instead rested on the back of her head, firmly, holding her down. She wouldn't have been able to pull away if she tried.

"That's right, Sen, don't stop until the pain goes-"

"CHIHIRO!"

Suddenly he was gone. Suddenly everything was gone. She couldn't see. The hole in her skull was ripping open. Blood, sticky, oozing blood down all over her face, down her neck, in her shirt. She screamed. She screamed and screamed and screamed until somewhere far off in the distance she heard the water separate and the train whistle pass, carrying Lin away, to eternal rest.

And finally twilight shifted to complete and total darkness.

* * *

we do sugar o'er the devil himself.

* * *


End file.
